Posted in Not Fat Friendly, tagged can't tie shoes, cheater foot wear, Chicken strip lunch special, Crocs, fat people, fat shoes, shoe horn, shoe laces, Tubbies, Velcro on May 23, 2008|
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As I sat in a meeting next to a fellow behemoth I noticed that along with a nice dress shirt, tie and pants this gentleman was wearing a shiny new pair of forest green Crocs. Then as I was leaving the meeting i looked down and noticed my shoe was untied. I knew it would have to stay this way until getting back to my desk so as not to attempt to bend over in front of everyone. Once at my desk I was able to tie it while sitting down. This enables me to reach my foot by bringing it up to my lap. Somehow we fatties have developed the ability to bend the leg at the knee and bring the foot up relative far to compensate for the inability to bend over. This does however result in the bow of the shoe lace to end up to one side of the foot. Look at a foot of a Chubster next time and you will see what I mean. Once regaining my breath from this strenuous procedure I realized how much I hate shoe laces. Later at lunch as I made my way to the local grocery store deli to partake in the Chicken strip lunch special (Bigguns may want to visit their local Fred Meyer for this great feast which includes 3 giant strips, any side.. but who wouldn’t pick the Jo Jo’s.. A soda and a roll all for under $5! And they toss in free ranch! Boo Ya! That is some good eatin’ see figure 1-1) I noticed all the fatties especially the ones driving around on the motorized fat conveyance devices (you know the I am too fat and lazy to walk around picking out items for my next gorge session. Ever notice how the back end of these folks spill over the sides and hide the scooter there by making the person appear to float on a cloud of Fatness.. but I digress.) Where was I oh yes… They all had on either sandals (that appear to meld into the fatty foot, some form of crocs or slip on shoes, or Velcro. It dawned on me.. it wasn’t just me… Fat people hate shoe laces!
Luckily there are a few ways around this.. see cheater foot wear as mentioned above or my personal choice… tie your shoe once and then slip your shoe on and off while still tied. This can be aided with one of the world’s great inventions for Tubbies… The shoe horn on a stick. If there was a site devoted to what fat people Love this would be on the list!
Much of the dislike of shoe laces comes about over the fact that Fat people hate to bend over! If you have ever witnessed a fat person bend over ( I am sure you will agree it is a rare occurrence) you will notice we have developed an elaborate system using one arm out perpendicular and one leg straight out back.(see Figure 1-2) This form is both for balance and a counter weight system to help enable one to right once self by swinging the leg back into place causing enough moment to bring the upper half back up to place similar to a pendulum. This one arm method makes it incredibly hard to tie a shoe. (Please cross reference with http://www.whatpeoplewithoneArmHate.com to understand why). Also a fat person must hold their breath when bending over because the girth pushing on internal organs and lungs makes it impossible to breath. If my shoe becomes untied and chubs mcgee can not wait until a chance to sit down he will immediately look for a raised curb or a stair step of some sort, anything to bring the foot closer. For a fat person the ground may as well be a mile away because it takes just as much time and work to get there… Except on slippery grass or in a public shower because the ground comes at a fat person pretty quick for a fat person (see figure 2-1) not to mention the natural phenomenon that occurs after a fat person falls that enables them to get back to their feet faster than the time it takes to inhale a Chocolate shake. And so after all this I dub the Croc. the new Moo Moo. It is the ultimate form of fat people comfort while disregarding all elements of style.
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Today I was going through my list of things fat people hate trying to decide what to sit down and write next when I heard the weather report for later this week. The weatherman said that Thursday we would have highs in the mid 80’s. At first I experienced jubilation to bask in the sun and enjoy a lovely warm spring day… then I remembered that I am a fatty who will sweat buckets and buckets of nasty sticky salty sweat.
Everyone likes the sun, without it things would pretty much suck, but the hot hot sun is something different. Most fat people consume gallons of Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, milkshakes, and Slurpees in the spring and summer months. Why hydrate yourself with water? There’s some water in everything we drink right? Sitting around under the hot hot sun tends to work like rotisserie chicken with large people. The sun beats down while the consumed soda or milkshakes bleed out of the fatty’s pores. While the flow of sweat runs down the sun tends to cook the sweat onto the skin creating an indescribable stickiness. This sticky paste is generally accompanied by the smell of sour milk, cheese, and pork rinds that pollutes the air and most likely causes holes in the ozone layer. This smell is extremely disgusting to others while it creates the sense of “hunger” for the fat person.
Yes the hot hot sun is no friend to those around fat people at all. It also causes the sloth like tendencies to go into a Supersloth mode. What may have taken ten minutes in “normal” temperatures now takes twenty. Tasks like doing yard work or walking to the mailbox may simply be impossible under high temperatures. However should the ice cream man come around the bend you know that porky is going to run like a Kenyan to get a fist full of Chaco Tacos.
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WFPDL reader Lesa reminded me of something that fat people certainly don’t like. Thank you Lesa for reminding me how much I hate other people’s furniture. This actually reminds me of several occasions where I actually broke other peoples furniture. Fat people have a hard enough time with their own furniture because their butt imprints make for odd looking couches and chairs. You never have to ask a fat person in their home “is this your spot?” You can easily tell by looking at the imprint in the furniture. Everything takes a beating when mass tonnage is involved. Myself and people I know have destroyed many bed frames, lawn furniture and tables.
I didn’t think much about sitting on other people’s furniture until one day I was at my dad’s house. He and his wife had my family over for dinner because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. Getting ready to dine I grabbed the chair, pulled it out, sat down and then the chair broke into kindling while I fell on my hind end while my wife shook her own bowl full of jelly thinking “thank God it wasn’t me!” Naturally this brought embarrassment to me and my dad tried to cushion the blow to my self esteem by saying “That’s a piece of junk chair that’s okay it’s the chairs fault” Not really though because the chair didn’t ask for me to sit on it, and the table and chairs were newly purchased and not on the cheap side. The chair just couldn’t take my girth. My face stayed bright red the rest of the night.
Cut to a month later. We joked about the last time I was there and broke their chair and we were about to sit down for dinner, again because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. My dad’s wife had waiting for me an ugly old chair to sit on while everyone else is in the other chairs that matched the one I broke. I carefully sat down and somehow the leg started to bust off and the chair fell to the ground. How can this happen to me again! Just find me a rock to sit on please! Not one broken chair, but TWO!
When going to another’s house you must try and gauge how well the furniture is built before sitting down The best way to do this by leaning on the chair and wiggling it slightly. If it tends to sway stay away. If you can simply stay standing at all times you will never have to worry about breaking other peoples furniture. Just remember to bend at the knees to avoid buckling and passing out, stay away from wicker, and low to the ground chairs.
You must be careful not to break other people’s furniture while at the same time avoiding being stuck in a chair. If you find that you are stuck in a chair at a friends house you must do everything in your power to getup without asking for help. Imagine a chocolate cream pie as your reward for getting up without help…if that doesn’t help energize your sloth like tendencies simply throw yourself on the floor and fake a heart attack. Your fat your friend will believe that you really are having a heart attack because you are fat and the medics can help you up saving the embarrassment from your friend helping you out of your seat.
When it comes down to it try not going to other people’s houses. It’s safer for everyone for you to stay at home.
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