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Archive for March, 2009

waterslides

I know amusement park rides have already been addressed but I wanted to bring up an offshoot that has not been discussed and that is the water park. Don’t get me wrong many of the big brethren love the water and can often be seen gleefully splashing about like grossly disfigured monstrous dolphins. But when it comes to water parks, especially waterslides, many of us encounter some uncomfortable experiences.

First and foremost there is the swim suit. Often times with a normal pool one can make their way from changing area directly to the pool without much fear of being stared or laughed at, or in some cases screamed at by small children. Once in the pool the refractory properties of the water can often disguise the horrendous shapes lurking below. In a water park however, one must walk about from one spot to another. Men usually try and hide themselves and there man boobs by wearing a t-shirt along with the swim trunks. This however only makes the problems more obvious to everyone and draws even more attention to oneself. Much of the time that could be spent enjoying the aquatic goodness is spent pulling the clinging wet shirt away from the body, which typically makes an intense loud suction noise that is heard by all around. This can also cause a full belly hickey should it occur too often in one day.

Many of the slides and rides do not allow you to wear a t-shirt and the ones that do can often times cause the shirt to pull up and around a persons neck, not only strangling the individual but exposing the blinding white voluminous flesh to all those waiting at the bottom. (if the sun is just right when the gleaming white butterball pops out that once can be blinded for an extended amount of time) The women on the other hand also have to make some hard clothing decisions. The most popular option for a plus size women is the bathing suit with the horribly ugly skirt section attached to the bottom. It is one of the only clothing attachments that is so obviously added on for the sole purpose of hiding a large front and backside. They try to make it sound pleasing by calling it a “swim skirt” but really should take a term on like “fat blinders” or “cottage cheese shields”

Then we come to the rides themselves. Often times the slides require climbing up great amounts of stairs (yes stairs will make an appearance on here…need not worry). I’m not a math wiz but…

Stairs + big + hot + sweaty + wet + gigantic person = Heart Attack!

Once up to the top the greasy beat down big person gasping for air must choose the slide they need to go down. There are usually several options, most of which provide different but equally challenging choices. First there is the slow side. The slow side typically does not have enough water rushing through it to provide enough momentum to get the person to the bottom. When the rotund waterfowl starts they have great momentum and gravity helping them race down the tubes… then… their fatness kicks gravity and momentum in the ass. So much so that almost three quarters of the rest of the decent is spent scooting large amounts of flesh down the slide a bit at a time hoping to get to the bottom before a foot of a small child going full speed is implanted in their back. If someone needs to get a better visual of this… take a pack of chewing gum… chew it up… then try to move it through a 25 foot garden hose…. Good luck with that.

The next option is the twisty slide. This slide will provide enough momentum to get one down but the twists and turns along with the roundness of the individual will send the fatty flaying about topsy turvy in a manner that many big’uns find so frightening that they will see their whole fat lives flash before their little fat eyes. Often this is compounded by the intake of water and the bumping of heads as they are tossed about like a dying fish in bucket. That is unless they get wedged in one of the turns. When this happens the individual is stuck in one of the turns until enough water pressure and additional sliders build up behind them to blast them through like piece of pork fat gristle out a gargantuan’s mouth after being given the Heimlich maneuver.

The third option is the fast slide, as mentioned before though, no T-shirts allowed. Because of this the sweaty greased up fat back will give the rider even more speed. Once at the bottom of the slide the individual has so much momentum that they are plunged so far and so deep into the exit pool that, with the limited lung capacity (you can’t have that much weight on anything and expect it to fully expand) that the amount of time spent underwater can be life threatening. 

One of the last dangers at a water park is only if the big guy decides to go all out with no t-shirt. And that is the consumption of the chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Because when fat people eat they typically spill. The fat man will often end up with ice cream in their chest hair that is difficult to get out. If the man has no chest hair he must also be worried about others in his fat Pod being so over come by the site of more ice cream that they may all jump on the man and start feverishly licking him. This can cause quite a scene and is a great source of embarrassment.

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extrawideberth

I’m not sure how to exactly title what I’m getting at here. I do believe I am pioneering this term right where at WFPDL. It came to me one day when I went to check my mail box on the street. I left my front porch making way down my long driveway to the road where my mailbox resides. I get close and take a final deep breath as I was winded from walking the path for a good twenty seconds or so. I go to open the mailbox, take out my mail when I noticed a car is coming down the road. My body is not in the road at all… I am still in my driveway… when all of a sudden the car goes all the way into the opposite lane to pass me. There was no reason for that! That car could have easily continued down the road in the lane without coming close to hitting my rotund shell.

I chalked it up to a one time event… until the next several times I checked the mail. Then I started to notice it when at the grocery store, and the mall, and restrooms. It’s as if by being too close they will catch what I have and pack on the poundage. Perhaps it’s like when you drive and your mirrors say “Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.”

Am I wrong in this? Do I actually require this unnecessarily extra wide berth? Am I taking up more space than I actually realize? Next time you’re around a whale pod watch and see… you’ll ensure they have plenty of space… in case they drop dead on you maybe?

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Picnic Table

As spring and summer approaches picture if you will a nice Sunny day, a bucket of chicken with a Side o’ Slaw, and a beautiful Park…. A perfect combination…. If it wasn’t for another one of Fat people’s enemies waiting to thwart a eating enjoyment. The Picnic Table. This picnic/park is a necessary evil but with too many design flaws to make it safe for people on the bigger side of things.

First there are the problems that have been addressed in previous posts about sitting apparatuses. There is the closeness of the seat to the table limiting gut to table top ratio. But in this instance there is no back to the seat so that can be overcome with some backwards leaning. The next problem is the process that must be used to get into a sitting position. It should really be an Olympic sport…it’s challenging and great to watch others doing it. One must put one leg in, sit sideways and attempt to swing the other leg over and in, while working past any extra body flab and any one else sitting near by. This is even more difficult when the fatty has cankles.

But both of these things are nothing when compared to the ferocious appetite worked up by walking out to the middle of the park to begin with. Think about it… somehow making it from the deli, KFC, or Popeye’s without devouring the bucket of chicken in the car. That in itself is awesome, but now standing outside of your car holding a tempting bucket of chicken that is emitting the wonderful grease laced smell of pure goodness. You want to just tear up the bucket and call it a day, but you continue to go to the table so you can look as civilized as possible.

Know that the main problem with picnic benches is the seesaw effect created when one a large person sits on a bench with no one on the other side. It is important to remember that one must always picnic in proportionate groups of people. For example… if you are a fatty you must bring another fatty or at least several small people to counter balance the opposite side of the bench. Then great coordination must be used for every one to sit down overcoming the obstacles put forth below plus sit at the same time so as not to flip the table. This same coordination must be used upon getting up from the table. Many times I have forgotten this rule and stood up quickly only to have my comrade across from me end up with a  face full of Soda and a lap full of macaroni salad as the table begins  to flip up and their lives flash in front of them and visions of an  upright picnic table crushing them scares them enough that if it doesn’t actually happen and kill them the eminent heart attack will.

Once I even witnessed the launching of a too small and skinny for their own good person launched into the air as a “tons of fun” sat opposite causing the table to flip sideways and send the skinny Minnie flying. (see diagram below)  Although enjoyable to watch it is not the best event to ensure a successful picnic as much attention is then given to the victim and distracting for the true purpose of gorging oneself on picnicy yummy goodness.

All the readers can help as I am starting a Google map that indicates parks and picnic areas that offer the humongous sturdy and chained down tables that we can all enjoy.

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid=113713308885528860753.000457846546055007d27

fatpicnic

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After several months… it’s time to bring it back…. Chris sent in some posts a long time ago… and I was being lazy… like most fat people… and failed to do what needed to be done… So time to get some posts up and let the fat fly free.

All the haters out there… who have actually sent a lot of nasty comments even while we were “out to lunch” … keep bringing your rants… I really enjoy them… even if I don’t allow them to see the light of day. Your ignorance and stupidity fill up my tummy…just like a hoagy.

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