Archive for June, 2008

Don\'t Pat Fat Backs

I have been trying for weeks to come up with a perfect topic to write about, and every night I do my best to come up with one with no success.  As I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep it finally came to me, fat people, especially fat men do not like it when someone comes up to them, pats them on the back and says “How’s it going big guy?”  Actually this doesn’t really apply to women.  I don’t think anyone has ever said to a fat woman “How’s it going large lady?”  Or “hey there big gal!” or “How you doing broad-backed babe?” (If I’m wrong ladies please let me know.) I have heard lots of times people calling my husband, brother, and father “Big Guy.”

I’m not sure when it was decided “Big Guy” was an appropriate way to greet someone, but I’m pretty positive fat guys don’t like it.  No one likes to have pointed out they are big even if it is true.  This greeting is usually done by a guy who is not big which makes it worse.  Like I have stated before, it is okay for fat people to make fun of themselves and other fat people like them, but is not okay for skinny people to do it.  The problem comes in the fact that the person doing the greeting doesn’t think he is being offensive to the fat guy.  I think the skinny guy thinks he is being nice and doing the fat guy a favor by saying hello to him and giving the fat guy a nickname.

The other part of this greeting a fat guy doesn’t like is being patted.  For some reason my husband is always getting patted on the back, arm or shoulder.  I understand these parts of my husband’s body are large, but that does not mean they are meant to be a bull’s eye for everyone to pat.  Fat people including women on this one generally don’t like to be patted.  It causes the fat to jiggle and can be felt by the fat person as well as the non-fat person doing the patting.  Often seeing the sight of a person coming toward a fat person with his or her hand in the position of a tennis racket ready to strike a ball, causes the fat person to become tense waiting for the smack this then makes the whole greeting uncomfortable making the fat person seem anti-social, which then causes the patting, big guy-calling greeter to quickly say “Well, I’ll catch you later.”  The greeter tends to think, “Ah that was so nice of me to say hello to that poor awkward, fat person,” and the fat guy tends to feel as though he has just been molested and insulted.  If you are a skinny guy reading this and have been guilty of greeting fat people in this way, just keep in mind, jiggling a person and pointing out to a person they are big is not an appropriate way to say hello.  Try a hand shake and using the person’s name next time.

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MMmmm Food

I know what you are thinking… How could a fat person not like Pot lucks. Well there are actually two sides to this and it is one of those issues that divides fat people. There are basically two groups of fat people… Those that do not care they are fat and in fact revel in their rotundness and then there are those that are self coconscious and constantly worried about their fatness and what people must think of them. The latter group looks upon the first group with disgust and often times feel superior to the group that doesn’t care even though often times they are in worse shape. But that is for another time.

With that being said the self-conscious group hates being involved in pot lucks. For one reason fat  people are by nature lazy and preparing food that is for someone else to consume is a hassle they  would rather not deal with. Why make food for others when you can stay home and eat it all yourself? Another reason is the self restraint involved, especially when you know there is a line behind you watching everything you put on your plate knowing that they are watching to see what ingredients a person eats to make them fat. A fat person hears the voices in their head as they pick a measly piece of meat from here, a small scoop of this, and they hear this from people behind them… “Come on fatty leave some for the rest of us!” Many a time I have seen the look in someone’s eyes as they realize I will be in front of them in line. A look of fear and hate that there will be no food left for them after the Buffetosaurus Rex is done with the food line. Then compound this with the fact that many fat people actually do eat all the food and there is even more reason to hate potluck.

Many times I have looked like a jerk to coworkers who have been unable to get away from their desk and so asked me to fill a plate for them. I have to come up with some excuse as to why I can not help them. I know from experience the looks a large person gets when walking away from a potluck with two plates. Trust me… at times (who am I kidding.. all the time)  I want nothing more than to consume large quantities of a variety of food. But I save that for the privacy of my own home… in the corner with only my own shame to make me feel bad…. That or Old Country Buffet where everyone else is either fat or too old to know what is going on around them.

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Low Water PressureI suppose this is one of those things that non fat people dislike too. But I think the supersized individual dislikes it even more. The hatred of low water pressure comes from two places. The first of which stems from a piece of equipment that creates many mixed emotions for a fat person… The Toilet. You see since fat people consume large amounts of food they must also dispose proportionate amounts.  Nothing strikes more fear into the heart of a fatty (except maybe a Co-Worker snatching the last maple bar out of the Community donut box) than a pitiful swirl caused by low water pressure that is insufficient  in even moving a giant sized turd. For all you not fatty thrill seekers out there if you want to get your heart pumping eat as much food as possible and then go to an acquaintance’s house that has low water pressure and drop a bomb. Watching as the deposit swirls and makes its way up to the rim of bowl is sure to make you squirt out any remaining Doody into your pants… That is if you have pulled them up already.

With that said, the second part of low water pressure is the almost nonexistent stream of water or worse yet the water saving shower head that creates nothing more than a mist. Contrary to popular belief some of the large brethren actually try to clean themselves even going as far as including spots under the folds to remove the stinky stank. This is near impossible with a low water pressure. Just as you would not try to clean off an elephant with a squirt gun… you should not attempt to clean of a fat person with a Low water pressure showers. They are a big’uns worst enemy. To better understand this it is important to realize that the path the water has to take to be able to reach the parts that need the most cleaning, it must travel around bulbous stomachs and large behinds. If it is a trickle by the time it gets past these obstacles it is pointless.

You may say… “Hey Tubby…What about wash clothes? Why not just scrub off the dirt?” Well Most Fat people I know have an aversion to wash clothes… Especially community wash clothes used by multiple fat family members. We know what hides in those dark places and can be transferred to a germ infested cloth. Besides we know that we need the full power that only a bar of soap in direct contact with our skin can provide. Rinsing off this full on soap attack is at the very heart of problem. If not properly rinsed off (especially in the cracks) this sudsy chemical layer reacts when left to heat and feaster in the nether regions. The lubricated cheeks then create more problems as one waddles which I will not get into at this point.

So as you can see low water pressure may be an inconvenience or undesirable for a regular person but for a fat person it is much more.

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