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Archive for the ‘Not Fat Friendly’ Category

Fat people on TV is a rare thing, usually the only time you see fat people on TV is when they need to lose weight like on the Biggest Loser or  occasionally on COPS. Enter the show Mike & Molly. When my wife I heard that there was a sitcom about fat people we reached for the remote, heated up our nachos and sat down to watch.  The show is funny. It’s like the show was made after me and my wife… except I’m not a cop, we’re already married and we would never step into overeater’s anonymous. Really who does that?

It’s 30 minutes of fat jokes, by fat people, for fat people. It’s good stuff. Not to play spoiler, but these characters met during the first episode and we follow the progression as their relationship develops. They have reached the point of intimacy. This is when the show was noticed by the media. The media does not like fat people.

If you haven’t read it. This charming blogger wrote an ignorant rant for Marie Claire. This received a lot of attention from folks. In a nut shell she spoke about how seeing two obese people kissing each other grossed her out. As an obese person… I get that. This is why my wife and I don’t video tape ourselves having sex…that and many other reasons.

So the media and people on the internet went after this person with pitchforks, torches, and probably a few smore’s. Not long after that, there was an apology saying they didn’t mean to upset fat people. What the hell? Stand by your thoughts! If you think fat people are gross, don’t say it and then say… oh I’m sorry nevermind you’re great! My bad! Because that’s bologna… mmmm bologna. Have your opinion and stay with it. There is nothing wrong with saying you don’t like watching fat people kiss. I don’t like watching ultimate fighting, nature shows, or Judge Judy. Rather than tell everyone that every time I see Judge Judy I want to vomit, I simply DON’T WATCH THE SHOW. That’s just one of the great things about remote controls.

Again this blogger was ignorant. She stated that simply watching obese people walking makes her sick. If fat people make her sick, that’s too bad. There’s a lot of fat people. Deal with it. Stay away from McDonald’s, Wal Mart, and State Fairs, which incidentally are three of my favorite places. She also said that fat people are all unhappy. Where do you think the phrase “Fat and Happy” came from? Fat people are hilarious! If you find a fat person who is not hilarious, they will be once they realize that they can be. Self deprecating humor is great, and fat jokes give belly laughs.

I have no problems with ignorant bloggers, but more of ones who waffle….mmmmm waffles.

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waterslides

I know amusement park rides have already been addressed but I wanted to bring up an offshoot that has not been discussed and that is the water park. Don’t get me wrong many of the big brethren love the water and can often be seen gleefully splashing about like grossly disfigured monstrous dolphins. But when it comes to water parks, especially waterslides, many of us encounter some uncomfortable experiences.

First and foremost there is the swim suit. Often times with a normal pool one can make their way from changing area directly to the pool without much fear of being stared or laughed at, or in some cases screamed at by small children. Once in the pool the refractory properties of the water can often disguise the horrendous shapes lurking below. In a water park however, one must walk about from one spot to another. Men usually try and hide themselves and there man boobs by wearing a t-shirt along with the swim trunks. This however only makes the problems more obvious to everyone and draws even more attention to oneself. Much of the time that could be spent enjoying the aquatic goodness is spent pulling the clinging wet shirt away from the body, which typically makes an intense loud suction noise that is heard by all around. This can also cause a full belly hickey should it occur too often in one day.

Many of the slides and rides do not allow you to wear a t-shirt and the ones that do can often times cause the shirt to pull up and around a persons neck, not only strangling the individual but exposing the blinding white voluminous flesh to all those waiting at the bottom. (if the sun is just right when the gleaming white butterball pops out that once can be blinded for an extended amount of time) The women on the other hand also have to make some hard clothing decisions. The most popular option for a plus size women is the bathing suit with the horribly ugly skirt section attached to the bottom. It is one of the only clothing attachments that is so obviously added on for the sole purpose of hiding a large front and backside. They try to make it sound pleasing by calling it a “swim skirt” but really should take a term on like “fat blinders” or “cottage cheese shields”

Then we come to the rides themselves. Often times the slides require climbing up great amounts of stairs (yes stairs will make an appearance on here…need not worry). I’m not a math wiz but…

Stairs + big + hot + sweaty + wet + gigantic person = Heart Attack!

Once up to the top the greasy beat down big person gasping for air must choose the slide they need to go down. There are usually several options, most of which provide different but equally challenging choices. First there is the slow side. The slow side typically does not have enough water rushing through it to provide enough momentum to get the person to the bottom. When the rotund waterfowl starts they have great momentum and gravity helping them race down the tubes… then… their fatness kicks gravity and momentum in the ass. So much so that almost three quarters of the rest of the decent is spent scooting large amounts of flesh down the slide a bit at a time hoping to get to the bottom before a foot of a small child going full speed is implanted in their back. If someone needs to get a better visual of this… take a pack of chewing gum… chew it up… then try to move it through a 25 foot garden hose…. Good luck with that.

The next option is the twisty slide. This slide will provide enough momentum to get one down but the twists and turns along with the roundness of the individual will send the fatty flaying about topsy turvy in a manner that many big’uns find so frightening that they will see their whole fat lives flash before their little fat eyes. Often this is compounded by the intake of water and the bumping of heads as they are tossed about like a dying fish in bucket. That is unless they get wedged in one of the turns. When this happens the individual is stuck in one of the turns until enough water pressure and additional sliders build up behind them to blast them through like piece of pork fat gristle out a gargantuan’s mouth after being given the Heimlich maneuver.

The third option is the fast slide, as mentioned before though, no T-shirts allowed. Because of this the sweaty greased up fat back will give the rider even more speed. Once at the bottom of the slide the individual has so much momentum that they are plunged so far and so deep into the exit pool that, with the limited lung capacity (you can’t have that much weight on anything and expect it to fully expand) that the amount of time spent underwater can be life threatening. 

One of the last dangers at a water park is only if the big guy decides to go all out with no t-shirt. And that is the consumption of the chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Because when fat people eat they typically spill. The fat man will often end up with ice cream in their chest hair that is difficult to get out. If the man has no chest hair he must also be worried about others in his fat Pod being so over come by the site of more ice cream that they may all jump on the man and start feverishly licking him. This can cause quite a scene and is a great source of embarrassment.

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Dressin' Fancy Leads To Sweat

I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, short or tall everyone wants to look good when going to a wedding. Some may think a Lynard Skynard shirt, cut up jeans and a mullet is looking good, but most will probably lean more towards traditional shirt and tie for men and a dress for women. This entry probably affects men more than women, but there is nothing more frustrating than dressing fancy as a big guy.

You’ve seen big guys like myself all dressed up with the tie hitting the top of their belly while dripping from their pits and foreheads with sweat. Maybe wiping their brow with a tiny napkin and getting paper stuck to their forehead. You also may or may not notice the one or two button extenders to get the shirt to fit around their fat neck, or most likely a no neck, which is just a head and a couple chins sitting on shoulders. For a fatty to even get into the dress-wear it is a production unlike any other you have ever seen. Someone should make a documentary on how fat people get dressed up. It would be several hours of gritty action.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are those who dress nice for their career who have probably adapted well and have mastered the entire production of getting ready, whereas people like myself who do not have to dress in a shirt and tie daily seem to have difficulty with dress attire.

It all starts within a week, to a day before the event. The bigger the event the sooner it starts. You first think about the last time you dressed nice in a shirt and tie, you try and pinpoint what your weight was at that time. Most of the time you remember yourself being much fatter than you really where so when you actually get to the point where you try on your clothes they are TIGHT! At this point you may need to make a mad dash to the tent store to have them put something together for you. Once you have successfully attained the attire you hang the clothes up so that you can see them. It is a constant reminder of your ever growing carcass before the big event.

As addressed in previous entries… fat people sweat! They sweat a lot. Most fat people will sweat about 2lbs of salty sour milk sweat while getting dressed. Having to tuck in shirts and maneuver dress shoes takes a lot out of a person. By the time most fat people are dressed and ready to go they are dripping from their pits and forehead like a raging river. The following should help fat people create the least amount of sweat while getting ready.

Step One: A Cold shower. By having a cold shower you are cleaning yourself and cooling yourself down to optimize your body temperature before exertion.

Step Two: A big gigantic fan. A huge fan must be used to maintain a cooler temperature. Before dressing in layers of clothing, you must stand in front of the fan for ten minutes or more. You want to be cold. Polar bears jump in artic waters to keep cool, fat people also need to keep cool.

Step Three: Pace yourself. While standing in front of the fan you may put on your boxers and socks followed by an undershirt. Do this SLOWLY. This task should last at least one to two minutes for each piece of clothing needed. If you put your socks on too quickly you will over exert yourself and become a mess.

Step Four: The shirt and tie. You will want to remember to do this slowly and stay in front of the fan. Button up the shirt and SLOWLY work on the tie. Now if you’re like me and your pants are way under your beer gut you will need to ensure your tie is long and not like Baby Huey’s bib. To do this you may need to use double stick tape to hide the tiny part of the back of the tie behind the front of the tie. After the shirt and tie are secure you now must go back to the fan and expose each armpit to the fan for five minutes each.

Step Five: The pants. This is the part I hate the most. Getting the pants on and tucking the shirt in properly. You may need a tag team partner to help blouse out your shirt.

Step Six: Shoes. Again you may need a tag team partner to tie your shoes. See the following article regarding shoe laces.

Step Seven: Open up the freezer and stick as much of your body in as you can to cool off more. By now the fan is doing no good. You need artic winds to keep your temp down. While in the kitchen grab a kitchen towel for your forehead. A hanky is like a single square of toilet paper after a Taco Bell feeding, don’t even bother with a hanky. Take a kitchen towel with you.

Now that you have successfully dressed yourself (Power clap and a sticker for you!) you have anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes depending on how fat you are until you look disheveled and thirsty. Use this time well to make those good impressions while you can, because once the sweat starts you can’t stop it without starting the entire process over again.

This is probably why you see fat people with outdoor weddings so they can wear shorts, Hawaiian shirts, and keep cool with a Coors Light in their hand. It’s not because of the beautiful setting…but not having sweaty fat people in suits certainly helps to have a beautiful setting.  Maybe it would be best to stay home in sweat pants and eat some pie. Pie is always a good option.

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So a few weeks back my wife and I attended a concert in an arena that seats about 17,000 people. We made our way up the stairs to the cheap seats just fine, and proceeded to sit down. Instantly I remembered why I did not go to a lot of concerts. Stadium and arena seating is awful for fat people. New stadiums try to pack in as many seats as they can, therefore the seats are very narrow with large cup holders. The seating cannot be comfortable for anyone larger than a horse jockey. If you are tall, your knees are going to be imbedded into shoulders of the person in front of you, and if you are fat, oh boy lets just hope you can clear the cup holders.My wife and I both found ourselves at the forefront of the row holding our breath in panic, hope, and worry all at the same time. Taking one big gulp of air,  we forced ourselves to take the plunge down the isle, and into the seats that may or may not accept our overly portly bodies. It’s a process to actually maneuver ones fat rolls into the space provided. Picture if you will something like the letter Z. Your rear end starts at the top left of the Z and makes its way down and over as you come in under the left cup holder at an angle. Then immediately you secure your left thigh in position under said cup holder. Then leaning as much as you can still to the left, you drop the rest of yourself down hoping and praying you cleared the right cup holder. Once successful, you may lean a little back to the right shimming your butt back in the seat so that you do not spend the whole concert leaning to the left.  The armrests do not move and your legs are now locked in place underneath the cup holder on one or both sides and now your weight is evenly distributed. Great, now your butt is in the seat, but the upper half of your body is most likely too large for the given area (seeing how you probably only paid for one ticket.) Basically this leaves you a couple of options.
Option #1: Sit with arms over chest, with your elbows in and your stomach as a prop to place your arms up.
Option #2: Put one arm on your belly and the other around the person next to you. If you do not know the person next you this may pose an additional problem and you may reconsider going back to Option #1.
If you know the person next to you Option #2 is good for both people involved as it opens up space for both parties. This option can only last as long as the persons arm does not fall asleep.In this scenario I chose option #2 for most of the night as my arm did fall asleep often. The only comfort I had was having my wife next to me to lessen any uncomfortable stranger touching that no one enjoys.Now that you are uncomfortably comfortable in your seat, you now have anxiety rearing its ugly head as you watch people walk up the stairs.  You are hoping no one fatter than you has a ticket next to you, or that anyone will need to go down your row which will cause you to have to get back out of the seat you somehow managed to get your butter soaked behind into.  Lets just say you hope there are no standing ovations, singing of the national anthem or anything at all that would require you to get out of your seat once your have managed to securely get yourself in place.  It’s amazing with how much “extra effort” fat people have to go through, they are not thinner than they are. Regular sized people can simply sit down and stand up, but for fat people it’s like competing in an Olympic event or a Survivor style reality show. People could sell tickets to watch fatties take on “The Seats”. Will they make it in the seat? Can they get up if people need to get by, or are they too fat for the seat and require special seating?

To be continued in…

Arena Seating Part 2: Special Seating For The Fatter Fatties

 

 

 

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My mother-in-law always says “no matter where you go you can always find someone fatter than you.” If you are having trouble in this area…well…I’m sorry…you’re it. For the rest of you this is quite accurate information even though it came from my mother-in-law and there is no statistical data available to back this statement up. That all being said lets continue to believe this is true.

There we were wedged into the seats provided, sitting uncomfortably comfortable in our allotted space so that we do encroach over the seats around us, when we witnessed ushers approaching fatter fatties that were unable to take on the challenge of “The Seats.” They just didn’t have the fight in them…or damn, they were just really fat. We watched in amazement when an usher said to the fatter fatties “Not to be rude but you’re just not gonna fit” as she made the supersized motion with her arms. My wife and I laughed, joking about the usher getting a giant lubed up shoehorn sprayed with Pam, the butter flavored kind to help them glide into their seat. Of course if this was happening to us we would not be laughing at all, but because it’s someone else we can laugh… it’s fair game!

As we took in a few chuckles while not chocking on our oversized pretzels, we had a good, jolly, belly laugh until we witnessed the usher escort these fatter fatties to another section.. the handicapped section. Here these fatties could sprawl out on padded folding chairs with plenty of room all around them. These seats where also located in the more expensive ticket area closer to the stage. Where is it that one draws a line to say “you are so fat… you’re handicapped”? How uncomfortable does one need to be until they are deemed eligible to be called  Fatticapped. We are all for fat people rights, but why should someone get upgraded to a more luxurious seat for just being fat?  My wife and I are fat too, but we were made to suffer in silence. After realizing that people were being compensated with better seats just for carrying more tonnage, my wife and I tried to appear as though we were struggling within our confines.  Sadly the ushers could see through our ruse. They did not deem us Fatticaped, which usually would be good, unless it means better seats.

We watched as several spectators fatter than us got moved up. There had to have been at least a half a dozen that we witnessed go to the promise land of wider seats and wide open spaces. The kicker here was if the fatty had a non fat friend, they also moved up, as the ushers did not want to leave the fatty all by their lonesome, even though they have their fat to keep them warm. I saw one couple who resembled the number ten who were upgraded. During the concert I saw the large one… we’ll call her #0… sitting like a lump, and her “date” we’ll call him #1 basking in the glory of all his extra space, dancing up a storm, he had room to do back flips and a solo Pasodoble.

I guess I’ll have to gain some weight before my next concert so that I can enjoy a seat in the promised land. Let’s face it, we all know gaining weight is easier than losing it.

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Don\'t Pat Fat Backs

I have been trying for weeks to come up with a perfect topic to write about, and every night I do my best to come up with one with no success.  As I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep it finally came to me, fat people, especially fat men do not like it when someone comes up to them, pats them on the back and says “How’s it going big guy?”  Actually this doesn’t really apply to women.  I don’t think anyone has ever said to a fat woman “How’s it going large lady?”  Or “hey there big gal!” or “How you doing broad-backed babe?” (If I’m wrong ladies please let me know.) I have heard lots of times people calling my husband, brother, and father “Big Guy.”

I’m not sure when it was decided “Big Guy” was an appropriate way to greet someone, but I’m pretty positive fat guys don’t like it.  No one likes to have pointed out they are big even if it is true.  This greeting is usually done by a guy who is not big which makes it worse.  Like I have stated before, it is okay for fat people to make fun of themselves and other fat people like them, but is not okay for skinny people to do it.  The problem comes in the fact that the person doing the greeting doesn’t think he is being offensive to the fat guy.  I think the skinny guy thinks he is being nice and doing the fat guy a favor by saying hello to him and giving the fat guy a nickname.

The other part of this greeting a fat guy doesn’t like is being patted.  For some reason my husband is always getting patted on the back, arm or shoulder.  I understand these parts of my husband’s body are large, but that does not mean they are meant to be a bull’s eye for everyone to pat.  Fat people including women on this one generally don’t like to be patted.  It causes the fat to jiggle and can be felt by the fat person as well as the non-fat person doing the patting.  Often seeing the sight of a person coming toward a fat person with his or her hand in the position of a tennis racket ready to strike a ball, causes the fat person to become tense waiting for the smack this then makes the whole greeting uncomfortable making the fat person seem anti-social, which then causes the patting, big guy-calling greeter to quickly say “Well, I’ll catch you later.”  The greeter tends to think, “Ah that was so nice of me to say hello to that poor awkward, fat person,” and the fat guy tends to feel as though he has just been molested and insulted.  If you are a skinny guy reading this and have been guilty of greeting fat people in this way, just keep in mind, jiggling a person and pointing out to a person they are big is not an appropriate way to say hello.  Try a hand shake and using the person’s name next time.

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MMmmm Food

I know what you are thinking… How could a fat person not like Pot lucks. Well there are actually two sides to this and it is one of those issues that divides fat people. There are basically two groups of fat people… Those that do not care they are fat and in fact revel in their rotundness and then there are those that are self coconscious and constantly worried about their fatness and what people must think of them. The latter group looks upon the first group with disgust and often times feel superior to the group that doesn’t care even though often times they are in worse shape. But that is for another time.

With that being said the self-conscious group hates being involved in pot lucks. For one reason fat  people are by nature lazy and preparing food that is for someone else to consume is a hassle they  would rather not deal with. Why make food for others when you can stay home and eat it all yourself? Another reason is the self restraint involved, especially when you know there is a line behind you watching everything you put on your plate knowing that they are watching to see what ingredients a person eats to make them fat. A fat person hears the voices in their head as they pick a measly piece of meat from here, a small scoop of this, and they hear this from people behind them… “Come on fatty leave some for the rest of us!” Many a time I have seen the look in someone’s eyes as they realize I will be in front of them in line. A look of fear and hate that there will be no food left for them after the Buffetosaurus Rex is done with the food line. Then compound this with the fact that many fat people actually do eat all the food and there is even more reason to hate potluck.

Many times I have looked like a jerk to coworkers who have been unable to get away from their desk and so asked me to fill a plate for them. I have to come up with some excuse as to why I can not help them. I know from experience the looks a large person gets when walking away from a potluck with two plates. Trust me… at times (who am I kidding.. all the time)  I want nothing more than to consume large quantities of a variety of food. But I save that for the privacy of my own home… in the corner with only my own shame to make me feel bad…. That or Old Country Buffet where everyone else is either fat or too old to know what is going on around them.

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