Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘fat people’

Picnic Table

As spring and summer approaches picture if you will a nice Sunny day, a bucket of chicken with a Side o’ Slaw, and a beautiful Park…. A perfect combination…. If it wasn’t for another one of Fat people’s enemies waiting to thwart a eating enjoyment. The Picnic Table. This picnic/park is a necessary evil but with too many design flaws to make it safe for people on the bigger side of things.

First there are the problems that have been addressed in previous posts about sitting apparatuses. There is the closeness of the seat to the table limiting gut to table top ratio. But in this instance there is no back to the seat so that can be overcome with some backwards leaning. The next problem is the process that must be used to get into a sitting position. It should really be an Olympic sport…it’s challenging and great to watch others doing it. One must put one leg in, sit sideways and attempt to swing the other leg over and in, while working past any extra body flab and any one else sitting near by. This is even more difficult when the fatty has cankles.

But both of these things are nothing when compared to the ferocious appetite worked up by walking out to the middle of the park to begin with. Think about it… somehow making it from the deli, KFC, or Popeye’s without devouring the bucket of chicken in the car. That in itself is awesome, but now standing outside of your car holding a tempting bucket of chicken that is emitting the wonderful grease laced smell of pure goodness. You want to just tear up the bucket and call it a day, but you continue to go to the table so you can look as civilized as possible.

Know that the main problem with picnic benches is the seesaw effect created when one a large person sits on a bench with no one on the other side. It is important to remember that one must always picnic in proportionate groups of people. For example… if you are a fatty you must bring another fatty or at least several small people to counter balance the opposite side of the bench. Then great coordination must be used for every one to sit down overcoming the obstacles put forth below plus sit at the same time so as not to flip the table. This same coordination must be used upon getting up from the table. Many times I have forgotten this rule and stood up quickly only to have my comrade across from me end up with a  face full of Soda and a lap full of macaroni salad as the table begins  to flip up and their lives flash in front of them and visions of an  upright picnic table crushing them scares them enough that if it doesn’t actually happen and kill them the eminent heart attack will.

Once I even witnessed the launching of a too small and skinny for their own good person launched into the air as a “tons of fun” sat opposite causing the table to flip sideways and send the skinny Minnie flying. (see diagram below)  Although enjoyable to watch it is not the best event to ensure a successful picnic as much attention is then given to the victim and distracting for the true purpose of gorging oneself on picnicy yummy goodness.

All the readers can help as I am starting a Google map that indicates parks and picnic areas that offer the humongous sturdy and chained down tables that we can all enjoy.

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid=113713308885528860753.000457846546055007d27

fatpicnic

Read Full Post »

So a few weeks back my wife and I attended a concert in an arena that seats about 17,000 people. We made our way up the stairs to the cheap seats just fine, and proceeded to sit down. Instantly I remembered why I did not go to a lot of concerts. Stadium and arena seating is awful for fat people. New stadiums try to pack in as many seats as they can, therefore the seats are very narrow with large cup holders. The seating cannot be comfortable for anyone larger than a horse jockey. If you are tall, your knees are going to be imbedded into shoulders of the person in front of you, and if you are fat, oh boy lets just hope you can clear the cup holders.My wife and I both found ourselves at the forefront of the row holding our breath in panic, hope, and worry all at the same time. Taking one big gulp of air,  we forced ourselves to take the plunge down the isle, and into the seats that may or may not accept our overly portly bodies. It’s a process to actually maneuver ones fat rolls into the space provided. Picture if you will something like the letter Z. Your rear end starts at the top left of the Z and makes its way down and over as you come in under the left cup holder at an angle. Then immediately you secure your left thigh in position under said cup holder. Then leaning as much as you can still to the left, you drop the rest of yourself down hoping and praying you cleared the right cup holder. Once successful, you may lean a little back to the right shimming your butt back in the seat so that you do not spend the whole concert leaning to the left.  The armrests do not move and your legs are now locked in place underneath the cup holder on one or both sides and now your weight is evenly distributed. Great, now your butt is in the seat, but the upper half of your body is most likely too large for the given area (seeing how you probably only paid for one ticket.) Basically this leaves you a couple of options.
Option #1: Sit with arms over chest, with your elbows in and your stomach as a prop to place your arms up.
Option #2: Put one arm on your belly and the other around the person next to you. If you do not know the person next you this may pose an additional problem and you may reconsider going back to Option #1.
If you know the person next to you Option #2 is good for both people involved as it opens up space for both parties. This option can only last as long as the persons arm does not fall asleep.In this scenario I chose option #2 for most of the night as my arm did fall asleep often. The only comfort I had was having my wife next to me to lessen any uncomfortable stranger touching that no one enjoys.Now that you are uncomfortably comfortable in your seat, you now have anxiety rearing its ugly head as you watch people walk up the stairs.  You are hoping no one fatter than you has a ticket next to you, or that anyone will need to go down your row which will cause you to have to get back out of the seat you somehow managed to get your butter soaked behind into.  Lets just say you hope there are no standing ovations, singing of the national anthem or anything at all that would require you to get out of your seat once your have managed to securely get yourself in place.  It’s amazing with how much “extra effort” fat people have to go through, they are not thinner than they are. Regular sized people can simply sit down and stand up, but for fat people it’s like competing in an Olympic event or a Survivor style reality show. People could sell tickets to watch fatties take on “The Seats”. Will they make it in the seat? Can they get up if people need to get by, or are they too fat for the seat and require special seating?

To be continued in…

Arena Seating Part 2: Special Seating For The Fatter Fatties

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

My mother-in-law always says “no matter where you go you can always find someone fatter than you.” If you are having trouble in this area…well…I’m sorry…you’re it. For the rest of you this is quite accurate information even though it came from my mother-in-law and there is no statistical data available to back this statement up. That all being said lets continue to believe this is true.

There we were wedged into the seats provided, sitting uncomfortably comfortable in our allotted space so that we do encroach over the seats around us, when we witnessed ushers approaching fatter fatties that were unable to take on the challenge of “The Seats.” They just didn’t have the fight in them…or damn, they were just really fat. We watched in amazement when an usher said to the fatter fatties “Not to be rude but you’re just not gonna fit” as she made the supersized motion with her arms. My wife and I laughed, joking about the usher getting a giant lubed up shoehorn sprayed with Pam, the butter flavored kind to help them glide into their seat. Of course if this was happening to us we would not be laughing at all, but because it’s someone else we can laugh… it’s fair game!

As we took in a few chuckles while not chocking on our oversized pretzels, we had a good, jolly, belly laugh until we witnessed the usher escort these fatter fatties to another section.. the handicapped section. Here these fatties could sprawl out on padded folding chairs with plenty of room all around them. These seats where also located in the more expensive ticket area closer to the stage. Where is it that one draws a line to say “you are so fat… you’re handicapped”? How uncomfortable does one need to be until they are deemed eligible to be called  Fatticapped. We are all for fat people rights, but why should someone get upgraded to a more luxurious seat for just being fat?  My wife and I are fat too, but we were made to suffer in silence. After realizing that people were being compensated with better seats just for carrying more tonnage, my wife and I tried to appear as though we were struggling within our confines.  Sadly the ushers could see through our ruse. They did not deem us Fatticaped, which usually would be good, unless it means better seats.

We watched as several spectators fatter than us got moved up. There had to have been at least a half a dozen that we witnessed go to the promise land of wider seats and wide open spaces. The kicker here was if the fatty had a non fat friend, they also moved up, as the ushers did not want to leave the fatty all by their lonesome, even though they have their fat to keep them warm. I saw one couple who resembled the number ten who were upgraded. During the concert I saw the large one… we’ll call her #0… sitting like a lump, and her “date” we’ll call him #1 basking in the glory of all his extra space, dancing up a storm, he had room to do back flips and a solo Pasodoble.

I guess I’ll have to gain some weight before my next concert so that I can enjoy a seat in the promised land. Let’s face it, we all know gaining weight is easier than losing it.

Read Full Post »

Don\'t Pat Fat Backs

I have been trying for weeks to come up with a perfect topic to write about, and every night I do my best to come up with one with no success.  As I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep it finally came to me, fat people, especially fat men do not like it when someone comes up to them, pats them on the back and says “How’s it going big guy?”  Actually this doesn’t really apply to women.  I don’t think anyone has ever said to a fat woman “How’s it going large lady?”  Or “hey there big gal!” or “How you doing broad-backed babe?” (If I’m wrong ladies please let me know.) I have heard lots of times people calling my husband, brother, and father “Big Guy.”

I’m not sure when it was decided “Big Guy” was an appropriate way to greet someone, but I’m pretty positive fat guys don’t like it.  No one likes to have pointed out they are big even if it is true.  This greeting is usually done by a guy who is not big which makes it worse.  Like I have stated before, it is okay for fat people to make fun of themselves and other fat people like them, but is not okay for skinny people to do it.  The problem comes in the fact that the person doing the greeting doesn’t think he is being offensive to the fat guy.  I think the skinny guy thinks he is being nice and doing the fat guy a favor by saying hello to him and giving the fat guy a nickname.

The other part of this greeting a fat guy doesn’t like is being patted.  For some reason my husband is always getting patted on the back, arm or shoulder.  I understand these parts of my husband’s body are large, but that does not mean they are meant to be a bull’s eye for everyone to pat.  Fat people including women on this one generally don’t like to be patted.  It causes the fat to jiggle and can be felt by the fat person as well as the non-fat person doing the patting.  Often seeing the sight of a person coming toward a fat person with his or her hand in the position of a tennis racket ready to strike a ball, causes the fat person to become tense waiting for the smack this then makes the whole greeting uncomfortable making the fat person seem anti-social, which then causes the patting, big guy-calling greeter to quickly say “Well, I’ll catch you later.”  The greeter tends to think, “Ah that was so nice of me to say hello to that poor awkward, fat person,” and the fat guy tends to feel as though he has just been molested and insulted.  If you are a skinny guy reading this and have been guilty of greeting fat people in this way, just keep in mind, jiggling a person and pointing out to a person they are big is not an appropriate way to say hello.  Try a hand shake and using the person’s name next time.

Read Full Post »

MMmmm Food

I know what you are thinking… How could a fat person not like Pot lucks. Well there are actually two sides to this and it is one of those issues that divides fat people. There are basically two groups of fat people… Those that do not care they are fat and in fact revel in their rotundness and then there are those that are self coconscious and constantly worried about their fatness and what people must think of them. The latter group looks upon the first group with disgust and often times feel superior to the group that doesn’t care even though often times they are in worse shape. But that is for another time.

With that being said the self-conscious group hates being involved in pot lucks. For one reason fat  people are by nature lazy and preparing food that is for someone else to consume is a hassle they  would rather not deal with. Why make food for others when you can stay home and eat it all yourself? Another reason is the self restraint involved, especially when you know there is a line behind you watching everything you put on your plate knowing that they are watching to see what ingredients a person eats to make them fat. A fat person hears the voices in their head as they pick a measly piece of meat from here, a small scoop of this, and they hear this from people behind them… “Come on fatty leave some for the rest of us!” Many a time I have seen the look in someone’s eyes as they realize I will be in front of them in line. A look of fear and hate that there will be no food left for them after the Buffetosaurus Rex is done with the food line. Then compound this with the fact that many fat people actually do eat all the food and there is even more reason to hate potluck.

Many times I have looked like a jerk to coworkers who have been unable to get away from their desk and so asked me to fill a plate for them. I have to come up with some excuse as to why I can not help them. I know from experience the looks a large person gets when walking away from a potluck with two plates. Trust me… at times (who am I kidding.. all the time)  I want nothing more than to consume large quantities of a variety of food. But I save that for the privacy of my own home… in the corner with only my own shame to make me feel bad…. That or Old Country Buffet where everyone else is either fat or too old to know what is going on around them.

Read Full Post »

Low Water PressureI suppose this is one of those things that non fat people dislike too. But I think the supersized individual dislikes it even more. The hatred of low water pressure comes from two places. The first of which stems from a piece of equipment that creates many mixed emotions for a fat person… The Toilet. You see since fat people consume large amounts of food they must also dispose proportionate amounts.  Nothing strikes more fear into the heart of a fatty (except maybe a Co-Worker snatching the last maple bar out of the Community donut box) than a pitiful swirl caused by low water pressure that is insufficient  in even moving a giant sized turd. For all you not fatty thrill seekers out there if you want to get your heart pumping eat as much food as possible and then go to an acquaintance’s house that has low water pressure and drop a bomb. Watching as the deposit swirls and makes its way up to the rim of bowl is sure to make you squirt out any remaining Doody into your pants… That is if you have pulled them up already.

With that said, the second part of low water pressure is the almost nonexistent stream of water or worse yet the water saving shower head that creates nothing more than a mist. Contrary to popular belief some of the large brethren actually try to clean themselves even going as far as including spots under the folds to remove the stinky stank. This is near impossible with a low water pressure. Just as you would not try to clean off an elephant with a squirt gun… you should not attempt to clean of a fat person with a Low water pressure showers. They are a big’uns worst enemy. To better understand this it is important to realize that the path the water has to take to be able to reach the parts that need the most cleaning, it must travel around bulbous stomachs and large behinds. If it is a trickle by the time it gets past these obstacles it is pointless.

You may say… “Hey Tubby…What about wash clothes? Why not just scrub off the dirt?” Well Most Fat people I know have an aversion to wash clothes… Especially community wash clothes used by multiple fat family members. We know what hides in those dark places and can be transferred to a germ infested cloth. Besides we know that we need the full power that only a bar of soap in direct contact with our skin can provide. Rinsing off this full on soap attack is at the very heart of problem. If not properly rinsed off (especially in the cracks) this sudsy chemical layer reacts when left to heat and feaster in the nether regions. The lubricated cheeks then create more problems as one waddles which I will not get into at this point.

So as you can see low water pressure may be an inconvenience or undesirable for a regular person but for a fat person it is much more.

Read Full Post »

As I sat in a meeting next to a fellow behemoth I noticed that along with a nice dress shirt, tie and pants this gentleman was wearing a shiny new pair of forest green Crocs. Then as I was leaving the meeting i looked down and noticed my shoe was untied. I knew it would have to stay this way until getting back to my desk so as not to attempt to bend over in front of everyone. Once at my desk I was able to tie it while sitting down. This enables me to reach my foot by bringing it up to my lap. Somehow we fatties have developed the ability to bend the leg at the knee and bring the foot up relative far to compensate for the inability to bend over. This does however result in the bow of the shoe lace to end up to one side of the foot. Look at a foot of a Chubster next time and you will see what I mean. Once regaining my breath from this strenuous procedure I realized how much I hate shoe laces. Later at lunch as I made my way to the local grocery store deli to partake in the Chicken strip lunch special (Bigguns may want to visit their local Fred Meyer for this great feast which includes 3 giant strips, any side.. but who wouldn’t pick the Jo Jo’s.. A soda and a roll all for under $5! And they toss in free ranch! Boo Ya! That is some good eatin’ see figure 1-1) I noticed all the fatties especially the ones driving around on the motorized fat conveyance devices (you know the I am too fat and lazy to walk around picking out items for my next gorge session. Ever notice how the back end of these folks spill over the sides and hide the scooter there by making the person appear to float on a cloud of Fatness.. but I digress.) Where was I oh yes… They all had on either sandals (that appear to meld into the fatty foot, some form of crocs or slip on shoes, or Velcro. It dawned on me.. it wasn’t just me… Fat people hate shoe laces!

 

Luckily there are a few ways around this.. see cheater foot wear as mentioned above or my personal choice… tie your shoe once and then slip your shoe on and off while still tied. This can be aided with one of the world’s great inventions for Tubbies… The shoe horn on a stick. If there was a site devoted to what fat people Love this would be on the list!

 

Much of the dislike of shoe laces comes about over the fact that Fat people hate to bend over! If you have ever witnessed a fat person bend over ( I am sure you will agree it is a rare occurrence) you will notice we have developed an elaborate system using one arm out perpendicular and one leg straight out back.(see Figure 1-2)  This form is both for balance and a counter weight system to help enable one to right once self by swinging the leg back into place causing enough moment to bring the upper half back up to place similar to a pendulum. This one arm method makes it incredibly hard to tie a shoe. (Please cross reference with http://www.whatpeoplewithoneArmHate.com to understand why). Also a fat person must hold their breath when bending over because the girth pushing on internal organs and lungs makes it impossible to breath. If my shoe becomes untied and chubs mcgee can not wait until a chance to sit down he will immediately look for a raised curb or a stair step of some sort, anything to bring the foot closer. For a fat person the ground may as well be a mile away because it takes just as much time and work to get there… Except on slippery grass or in a public shower because the ground comes at a fat person pretty quick for a fat person (see figure 2-1) not to mention the natural phenomenon that occurs after a fat person falls that enables them to get back to their feet faster than the time it takes to inhale a Chocolate shake. And so after all this I dub the Croc. the new Moo Moo. It is the ultimate form of fat people comfort while disregarding all elements of style.

 

 

 

 

   

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »