Archive for March, 2008

A turnstile as most of you know is a form of a gate that allows one person to pass through at a time. It also can restrict passage for people going through unless they insert a coin, ticket, or a pass. It also restricts access to fat people.

Many fat people have had nightmares about going to a fair or sporting event where turnstiles are used. Being lodged between a metal gate and a metal bar is as frighting as low fat mayonnaise. Their non-fat friends bust through the turnstile like it is merely a turnstile, while distended cows find themselves bending, shaping, and moving their lard bags in ways never seen before. Some fat people push up their belly flap all the way to their chest while squishing their side fat inward and leaning on the turnstile to make passage. Since turnstiles are often used to gain entrance into places and events, larger open-gates are generally the form of exiting. Once passage is made, a general sigh of relief is given, much in the same way a Mongolian warrior makes a war cry. To the untrained ear you may think someone has slaughtered an elephant.

Turnstile gatekeepers, be advised that while fat people fear turnstiles, what they fear most is to be pointed out by gatekeepers and asked to go through the handicapped passage. This is an announcement to the world saying “You are too fat!” While most fat people realize this themselves, they have self-inflicted challenges they like to stay away from. PDSO’s (Public Displays of Showing Obesity.)

Many whale pods that travel to places with turnstiles have formed three strategies.

  • 1. Bringing a wheel chair. Someone in the family has made a sacrifice to say they will enter with a wheelchair so that the whale pod can move without embarrassment. The wheel chair participant can use this as an opportunity to fake injury or mental capabilities. This can also be useful to pass around the roly-poly family so that breathing time can take place.
  • 2. Bringing in a Child in a Stroller. The largest member in the pod usually gets the privilege of pushing any children in the group in a stroller.  This way, they can look like the doting caregiver.  A person could always try just pushing an empty stroller, if no children are available.
  • 3. The fish ladder approach. Having all but one of the “smaller” family members break through first so that the largest of the pod can be pushed and pulled through the turnstile. This approach brings a lot of attention and people watchers absolutely enjoy it, but it is effective and allows bonding for fat people without the use of food.

Turnstiles suck but they have been around a long time and will probably stick around. Originally turnstiles were used to keep livestock penned in while allowing humans to pass… and today… well, yeah, I guess it’s still the same.  

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There’s nothing cooler than finding a piece of clothing that is exactly the style you were looking for. Euphoria and delight go through your veins while sifting through the clothing racks to find the one that was meant for you. Often fat people realize that retailers may not have their exact size and most fat people understand that. What truly sucks for fat people is finding that all the items are “one size fits most”.  

“One size fits most” is the sequel to “one size fits all.” Clothing manufactures needed to find a loophole when class action lawsuits occurred by groups of swollen paunchy fatties who came together on a united front to say “One size does not fit me!” So OSFM was created.  When looking through clothing, and coming across “one size fits most” you must make a decision. Are you “most” or are you not? Chances are, if you have to think “will this fit me?”…’one size fits most’ is not for you. One size fits most is a load of crap. It might as well say “if you are looking at this tag put it down and move directly to the camping department to pick up a fashionable blue tarp.” Tarps will work in place of any piece of clothing with a little ingenuity.  

It really stinks when a fat person gets a gift that is “one size fits most.”  The giver is saying “I got this for you! Put it on, it’s one size fits most!” So the fat person tries it on only to realize that it will not work out, but now feels obligated to wear the garment that is pushing the fabric to the limit.

Unless a fat person is in denial…they should know if they are not in the “most” category. If a fat person attempts to cram their jelly donut thighs into something that is too tight, without hesitation, non-fat associates should help their friend out by saying “that makes you look fat.”  This might cause them a second of embarrassment, but it will also make them second guess their decision to wear the article of clothing. We all know that fat people are going to be fat no matter what they wear, but the clothing should not be showing off every single roll they have. 

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Don't Sit On Me!A papasan chair is a large, rounded, bowl-shaped chair with an adjustable angle and made of “sturdy wicker” or wood. The problem for fat people is however sturdy the wicker or wood may be, it is not enough. Lets face it, for a papasan chair to work for a fat person it would need to be constructed of heavy steel, concrete, bricks, or any other material used to construct industrial buildings.  You might as well make a chair out of popsicle sticks if you use wicker and wood to make a home for an enormous posterior. 

Should a fat person come to your home, and you ask them to sit down on your papasan chair be prepared to…

1. have a broken chair

2. call the tow truck company, because you will need a heavy crane to pull your fat friend from the ground.

I would highly recommend having large cement blocks available if you entertain fat folk often. The cement will most likely be able to handle the weight requirements of your often masticating compadre. You should not worry about entertaining much, as most fat people would rather meet their friends at a restaurant. This way they know what food options are available to them.

Papasan chairs are better suited for small children, smaller people with Asian backgrounds, jockey’s, or cats. Should you see a papasan in the house of a fat person chances are good that no one has ever actually sat in the chair.

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