Posted in Uncategorized, tagged berth, extra space, fat, fat person, fatty, too fat, Unnecessarily Extra-wide Berth, whale pod, wide, wide load on March 18, 2009|
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I’m not sure how to exactly title what I’m getting at here. I do believe I am pioneering this term right where at WFPDL. It came to me one day when I went to check my mail box on the street. I left my front porch making way down my long driveway to the road where my mailbox resides. I get close and take a final deep breath as I was winded from walking the path for a good twenty seconds or so. I go to open the mailbox, take out my mail when I noticed a car is coming down the road. My body is not in the road at all… I am still in my driveway… when all of a sudden the car goes all the way into the opposite lane to pass me. There was no reason for that! That car could have easily continued down the road in the lane without coming close to hitting my rotund shell.
I chalked it up to a one time event… until the next several times I checked the mail. Then I started to notice it when at the grocery store, and the mall, and restrooms. It’s as if by being too close they will catch what I have and pack on the poundage. Perhaps it’s like when you drive and your mirrors say “Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.”
Am I wrong in this? Do I actually require this unnecessarily extra wide berth? Am I taking up more space than I actually realize? Next time you’re around a whale pod watch and see… you’ll ensure they have plenty of space… in case they drop dead on you maybe?
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A turnstile as most of you know is a form of a gate that allows one person to pass through at a time. It also can restrict passage for people going through unless they insert a coin, ticket, or a pass. It also restricts access to fat people.
Many fat people have had nightmares about going to a fair or sporting event where turnstiles are used. Being lodged between a metal gate and a metal bar is as frighting as low fat mayonnaise. Their non-fat friends bust through the turnstile like it is merely a turnstile, while distended cows find themselves bending, shaping, and moving their lard bags in ways never seen before. Some fat people push up their belly flap all the way to their chest while squishing their side fat inward and leaning on the turnstile to make passage. Since turnstiles are often used to gain entrance into places and events, larger open-gates are generally the form of exiting. Once passage is made, a general sigh of relief is given, much in the same way a Mongolian warrior makes a war cry. To the untrained ear you may think someone has slaughtered an elephant.
Turnstile gatekeepers, be advised that while fat people fear turnstiles, what they fear most is to be pointed out by gatekeepers and asked to go through the handicapped passage. This is an announcement to the world saying “You are too fat!” While most fat people realize this themselves, they have self-inflicted challenges they like to stay away from. PDSO’s (Public Displays of Showing Obesity.)
Many whale pods that travel to places with turnstiles have formed three strategies.
- 1. Bringing a wheel chair. Someone in the family has made a sacrifice to say they will enter with a wheelchair so that the whale pod can move without embarrassment. The wheel chair participant can use this as an opportunity to fake injury or mental capabilities. This can also be useful to pass around the roly-poly family so that breathing time can take place.
- 2. Bringing in a Child in a Stroller. The largest member in the pod usually gets the privilege of pushing any children in the group in a stroller. This way, they can look like the doting caregiver. A person could always try just pushing an empty stroller, if no children are available.
- 3. The fish ladder approach. Having all but one of the “smaller” family members break through first so that the largest of the pod can be pushed and pulled through the turnstile. This approach brings a lot of attention and people watchers absolutely enjoy it, but it is effective and allows bonding for fat people without the use of food.
Turnstiles suck but they have been around a long time and will probably stick around. Originally turnstiles were used to keep livestock penned in while allowing humans to pass… and today… well, yeah, I guess it’s still the same.
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