As spring and summer approaches picture if you will a nice Sunny day, a bucket of chicken with a Side o’ Slaw, and a beautiful Park…. A perfect combination…. If it wasn’t for another one of Fat people’s enemies waiting to thwart a eating enjoyment. The Picnic Table. This picnic/park is a necessary evil but with too many design flaws to make it safe for people on the bigger side of things.
First there are the problems that have been addressed in previous posts about sitting apparatuses. There is the closeness of the seat to the table limiting gut to table top ratio. But in this instance there is no back to the seat so that can be overcome with some backwards leaning. The next problem is the process that must be used to get into a sitting position. It should really be an Olympic sport…it’s challenging and great to watch others doing it. One must put one leg in, sit sideways and attempt to swing the other leg over and in, while working past any extra body flab and any one else sitting near by. This is even more difficult when the fatty has cankles.
But both of these things are nothing when compared to the ferocious appetite worked up by walking out to the middle of the park to begin with. Think about it… somehow making it from the deli, KFC, or Popeye’s without devouring the bucket of chicken in the car. That in itself is awesome, but now standing outside of your car holding a tempting bucket of chicken that is emitting the wonderful grease laced smell of pure goodness. You want to just tear up the bucket and call it a day, but you continue to go to the table so you can look as civilized as possible.
Know that the main problem with picnic benches is the seesaw effect created when one a large person sits on a bench with no one on the other side. It is important to remember that one must always picnic in proportionate groups of people. For example… if you are a fatty you must bring another fatty or at least several small people to counter balance the opposite side of the bench. Then great coordination must be used for every one to sit down overcoming the obstacles put forth below plus sit at the same time so as not to flip the table. This same coordination must be used upon getting up from the table. Many times I have forgotten this rule and stood up quickly only to have my comrade across from me end up with a face full of Soda and a lap full of macaroni salad as the table begins to flip up and their lives flash in front of them and visions of an upright picnic table crushing them scares them enough that if it doesn’t actually happen and kill them the eminent heart attack will.
Once I even witnessed the launching of a too small and skinny for their own good person launched into the air as a “tons of fun” sat opposite causing the table to flip sideways and send the skinny Minnie flying. (see diagram below) Although enjoyable to watch it is not the best event to ensure a successful picnic as much attention is then given to the victim and distracting for the true purpose of gorging oneself on picnicy yummy goodness.
All the readers can help as I am starting a Google map that indicates parks and picnic areas that offer the humongous sturdy and chained down tables that we can all enjoy.
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WFPDL reader Lesa reminded me of something that fat people certainly don’t like. Thank you Lesa for reminding me how much I hate other people’s furniture. This actually reminds me of several occasions where I actually broke other peoples furniture. Fat people have a hard enough time with their own furniture because their butt imprints make for odd looking couches and chairs. You never have to ask a fat person in their home “is this your spot?” You can easily tell by looking at the imprint in the furniture. Everything takes a beating when mass tonnage is involved. Myself and people I know have destroyed many bed frames, lawn furniture and tables.
I didn’t think much about sitting on other people’s furniture until one day I was at my dad’s house. He and his wife had my family over for dinner because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. Getting ready to dine I grabbed the chair, pulled it out, sat down and then the chair broke into kindling while I fell on my hind end while my wife shook her own bowl full of jelly thinking “thank God it wasn’t me!” Naturally this brought embarrassment to me and my dad tried to cushion the blow to my self esteem by saying “That’s a piece of junk chair that’s okay it’s the chairs fault” Not really though because the chair didn’t ask for me to sit on it, and the table and chairs were newly purchased and not on the cheap side. The chair just couldn’t take my girth. My face stayed bright red the rest of the night.
Cut to a month later. We joked about the last time I was there and broke their chair and we were about to sit down for dinner, again because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. My dad’s wife had waiting for me an ugly old chair to sit on while everyone else is in the other chairs that matched the one I broke. I carefully sat down and somehow the leg started to bust off and the chair fell to the ground. How can this happen to me again! Just find me a rock to sit on please! Not one broken chair, but TWO!
When going to another’s house you must try and gauge how well the furniture is built before sitting down The best way to do this by leaning on the chair and wiggling it slightly. If it tends to sway stay away. If you can simply stay standing at all times you will never have to worry about breaking other peoples furniture. Just remember to bend at the knees to avoid buckling and passing out, stay away from wicker, and low to the ground chairs.
You must be careful not to break other people’s furniture while at the same time avoiding being stuck in a chair. If you find that you are stuck in a chair at a friends house you must do everything in your power to getup without asking for help. Imagine a chocolate cream pie as your reward for getting up without help…if that doesn’t help energize your sloth like tendencies simply throw yourself on the floor and fake a heart attack. Your fat your friend will believe that you really are having a heart attack because you are fat and the medics can help you up saving the embarrassment from your friend helping you out of your seat.
When it comes down to it try not going to other people’s houses. It’s safer for everyone for you to stay at home.
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A papasan chair is a large, rounded, bowl-shaped chair with an adjustable angle and made of “sturdy wicker” or wood. The problem for fat people is however sturdy the wicker or wood may be, it is not enough. Lets face it, for a papasan chair to work for a fat person it would need to be constructed of heavy steel, concrete, bricks, or any other material used to construct industrial buildings. You might as well make a chair out of popsicle sticks if you use wicker and wood to make a home for an enormous posterior.
Should a fat person come to your home, and you ask them to sit down on your papasan chair be prepared to…
1. have a broken chair
2. call the tow truck company, because you will need a heavy crane to pull your fat friend from the ground.
I would highly recommend having large cement blocks available if you entertain fat folk often. The cement will most likely be able to handle the weight requirements of your often masticating compadre. You should not worry about entertaining much, as most fat people would rather meet their friends at a restaurant. This way they know what food options are available to them.
Papasan chairs are better suited for small children, smaller people with Asian backgrounds, jockey’s, or cats. Should you see a papasan in the house of a fat person chances are good that no one has ever actually sat in the chair.
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