As spring and summer approaches picture if you will a nice Sunny day, a bucket of chicken with a Side o’ Slaw, and a beautiful Park…. A perfect combination…. If it wasn’t for another one of Fat people’s enemies waiting to thwart a eating enjoyment. The Picnic Table. This picnic/park is a necessary evil but with too many design flaws to make it safe for people on the bigger side of things.
First there are the problems that have been addressed in previous posts about sitting apparatuses. There is the closeness of the seat to the table limiting gut to table top ratio. But in this instance there is no back to the seat so that can be overcome with some backwards leaning. The next problem is the process that must be used to get into a sitting position. It should really be an Olympic sport…it’s challenging and great to watch others doing it. One must put one leg in, sit sideways and attempt to swing the other leg over and in, while working past any extra body flab and any one else sitting near by. This is even more difficult when the fatty has cankles.
But both of these things are nothing when compared to the ferocious appetite worked up by walking out to the middle of the park to begin with. Think about it… somehow making it from the deli, KFC, or Popeye’s without devouring the bucket of chicken in the car. That in itself is awesome, but now standing outside of your car holding a tempting bucket of chicken that is emitting the wonderful grease laced smell of pure goodness. You want to just tear up the bucket and call it a day, but you continue to go to the table so you can look as civilized as possible.
Know that the main problem with picnic benches is the seesaw effect created when one a large person sits on a bench with no one on the other side. It is important to remember that one must always picnic in proportionate groups of people. For example… if you are a fatty you must bring another fatty or at least several small people to counter balance the opposite side of the bench. Then great coordination must be used for every one to sit down overcoming the obstacles put forth below plus sit at the same time so as not to flip the table. This same coordination must be used upon getting up from the table. Many times I have forgotten this rule and stood up quickly only to have my comrade across from me end up with a face full of Soda and a lap full of macaroni salad as the table begins to flip up and their lives flash in front of them and visions of an upright picnic table crushing them scares them enough that if it doesn’t actually happen and kill them the eminent heart attack will.
Once I even witnessed the launching of a too small and skinny for their own good person launched into the air as a “tons of fun” sat opposite causing the table to flip sideways and send the skinny Minnie flying. (see diagram below) Although enjoyable to watch it is not the best event to ensure a successful picnic as much attention is then given to the victim and distracting for the true purpose of gorging oneself on picnicy yummy goodness.
All the readers can help as I am starting a Google map that indicates parks and picnic areas that offer the humongous sturdy and chained down tables that we can all enjoy.