Posts Tagged ‘can’t tie shoes’

As I sat in a meeting next to a fellow behemoth I noticed that along with a nice dress shirt, tie and pants this gentleman was wearing a shiny new pair of forest green Crocs. Then as I was leaving the meeting i looked down and noticed my shoe was untied. I knew it would have to stay this way until getting back to my desk so as not to attempt to bend over in front of everyone. Once at my desk I was able to tie it while sitting down. This enables me to reach my foot by bringing it up to my lap. Somehow we fatties have developed the ability to bend the leg at the knee and bring the foot up relative far to compensate for the inability to bend over. This does however result in the bow of the shoe lace to end up to one side of the foot. Look at a foot of a Chubster next time and you will see what I mean. Once regaining my breath from this strenuous procedure I realized how much I hate shoe laces. Later at lunch as I made my way to the local grocery store deli to partake in the Chicken strip lunch special (Bigguns may want to visit their local Fred Meyer for this great feast which includes 3 giant strips, any side.. but who wouldn’t pick the Jo Jo’s.. A soda and a roll all for under $5! And they toss in free ranch! Boo Ya! That is some good eatin’ see figure 1-1) I noticed all the fatties especially the ones driving around on the motorized fat conveyance devices (you know the I am too fat and lazy to walk around picking out items for my next gorge session. Ever notice how the back end of these folks spill over the sides and hide the scooter there by making the person appear to float on a cloud of Fatness.. but I digress.) Where was I oh yes… They all had on either sandals (that appear to meld into the fatty foot, some form of crocs or slip on shoes, or Velcro. It dawned on me.. it wasn’t just me… Fat people hate shoe laces!


Luckily there are a few ways around this.. see cheater foot wear as mentioned above or my personal choice… tie your shoe once and then slip your shoe on and off while still tied. This can be aided with one of the world’s great inventions for Tubbies… The shoe horn on a stick. If there was a site devoted to what fat people Love this would be on the list!


Much of the dislike of shoe laces comes about over the fact that Fat people hate to bend over! If you have ever witnessed a fat person bend over ( I am sure you will agree it is a rare occurrence) you will notice we have developed an elaborate system using one arm out perpendicular and one leg straight out back.(see Figure 1-2)  This form is both for balance and a counter weight system to help enable one to right once self by swinging the leg back into place causing enough moment to bring the upper half back up to place similar to a pendulum. This one arm method makes it incredibly hard to tie a shoe. (Please cross reference with http://www.whatpeoplewithoneArmHate.com to understand why). Also a fat person must hold their breath when bending over because the girth pushing on internal organs and lungs makes it impossible to breath. If my shoe becomes untied and chubs mcgee can not wait until a chance to sit down he will immediately look for a raised curb or a stair step of some sort, anything to bring the foot closer. For a fat person the ground may as well be a mile away because it takes just as much time and work to get there… Except on slippery grass or in a public shower because the ground comes at a fat person pretty quick for a fat person (see figure 2-1) not to mention the natural phenomenon that occurs after a fat person falls that enables them to get back to their feet faster than the time it takes to inhale a Chocolate shake. And so after all this I dub the Croc. the new Moo Moo. It is the ultimate form of fat people comfort while disregarding all elements of style.






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