Today I was going through my list of things fat people hate trying to decide what to sit down and write next when I heard the weather report for later this week. The weatherman said that Thursday we would have highs in the mid 80’s. At first I experienced jubilation to bask in the sun and enjoy a lovely warm spring day… then I remembered that I am a fatty who will sweat buckets and buckets of nasty sticky salty sweat.
Everyone likes the sun, without it things would pretty much suck, but the hot hot sun is something different. Most fat people consume gallons of Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, milkshakes, and Slurpees in the spring and summer months. Why hydrate yourself with water? There’s some water in everything we drink right? Sitting around under the hot hot sun tends to work like rotisserie chicken with large people. The sun beats down while the consumed soda or milkshakes bleed out of the fatty’s pores. While the flow of sweat runs down the sun tends to cook the sweat onto the skin creating an indescribable stickiness. This sticky paste is generally accompanied by the smell of sour milk, cheese, and pork rinds that pollutes the air and most likely causes holes in the ozone layer. This smell is extremely disgusting to others while it creates the sense of “hunger” for the fat person.
Yes the hot hot sun is no friend to those around fat people at all. It also causes the sloth like tendencies to go into a Supersloth mode. What may have taken ten minutes in “normal” temperatures now takes twenty. Tasks like doing yard work or walking to the mailbox may simply be impossible under high temperatures. However should the ice cream man come around the bend you know that porky is going to run like a Kenyan to get a fist full of Chaco Tacos.