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Posts Tagged ‘Pie’

Dressin' Fancy Leads To Sweat

I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, short or tall everyone wants to look good when going to a wedding. Some may think a Lynard Skynard shirt, cut up jeans and a mullet is looking good, but most will probably lean more towards traditional shirt and tie for men and a dress for women. This entry probably affects men more than women, but there is nothing more frustrating than dressing fancy as a big guy.

You’ve seen big guys like myself all dressed up with the tie hitting the top of their belly while dripping from their pits and foreheads with sweat. Maybe wiping their brow with a tiny napkin and getting paper stuck to their forehead. You also may or may not notice the one or two button extenders to get the shirt to fit around their fat neck, or most likely a no neck, which is just a head and a couple chins sitting on shoulders. For a fatty to even get into the dress-wear it is a production unlike any other you have ever seen. Someone should make a documentary on how fat people get dressed up. It would be several hours of gritty action.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are those who dress nice for their career who have probably adapted well and have mastered the entire production of getting ready, whereas people like myself who do not have to dress in a shirt and tie daily seem to have difficulty with dress attire.

It all starts within a week, to a day before the event. The bigger the event the sooner it starts. You first think about the last time you dressed nice in a shirt and tie, you try and pinpoint what your weight was at that time. Most of the time you remember yourself being much fatter than you really where so when you actually get to the point where you try on your clothes they are TIGHT! At this point you may need to make a mad dash to the tent store to have them put something together for you. Once you have successfully attained the attire you hang the clothes up so that you can see them. It is a constant reminder of your ever growing carcass before the big event.

As addressed in previous entries… fat people sweat! They sweat a lot. Most fat people will sweat about 2lbs of salty sour milk sweat while getting dressed. Having to tuck in shirts and maneuver dress shoes takes a lot out of a person. By the time most fat people are dressed and ready to go they are dripping from their pits and forehead like a raging river. The following should help fat people create the least amount of sweat while getting ready.

Step One: A Cold shower. By having a cold shower you are cleaning yourself and cooling yourself down to optimize your body temperature before exertion.

Step Two: A big gigantic fan. A huge fan must be used to maintain a cooler temperature. Before dressing in layers of clothing, you must stand in front of the fan for ten minutes or more. You want to be cold. Polar bears jump in artic waters to keep cool, fat people also need to keep cool.

Step Three: Pace yourself. While standing in front of the fan you may put on your boxers and socks followed by an undershirt. Do this SLOWLY. This task should last at least one to two minutes for each piece of clothing needed. If you put your socks on too quickly you will over exert yourself and become a mess.

Step Four: The shirt and tie. You will want to remember to do this slowly and stay in front of the fan. Button up the shirt and SLOWLY work on the tie. Now if you’re like me and your pants are way under your beer gut you will need to ensure your tie is long and not like Baby Huey’s bib. To do this you may need to use double stick tape to hide the tiny part of the back of the tie behind the front of the tie. After the shirt and tie are secure you now must go back to the fan and expose each armpit to the fan for five minutes each.

Step Five: The pants. This is the part I hate the most. Getting the pants on and tucking the shirt in properly. You may need a tag team partner to help blouse out your shirt.

Step Six: Shoes. Again you may need a tag team partner to tie your shoes. See the following article regarding shoe laces.

Step Seven: Open up the freezer and stick as much of your body in as you can to cool off more. By now the fan is doing no good. You need artic winds to keep your temp down. While in the kitchen grab a kitchen towel for your forehead. A hanky is like a single square of toilet paper after a Taco Bell feeding, don’t even bother with a hanky. Take a kitchen towel with you.

Now that you have successfully dressed yourself (Power clap and a sticker for you!) you have anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes depending on how fat you are until you look disheveled and thirsty. Use this time well to make those good impressions while you can, because once the sweat starts you can’t stop it without starting the entire process over again.

This is probably why you see fat people with outdoor weddings so they can wear shorts, Hawaiian shirts, and keep cool with a Coors Light in their hand. It’s not because of the beautiful setting…but not having sweaty fat people in suits certainly helps to have a beautiful setting.  Maybe it would be best to stay home in sweat pants and eat some pie. Pie is always a good option.

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Metal Chairs Are So Much BetterWFPDL reader Lesa reminded me of something that fat people certainly don’t like. Thank you Lesa for reminding me how much I hate other people’s furniture. This actually reminds me of several occasions where I actually broke other peoples furniture. Fat people have a hard enough time with their own furniture because their butt imprints make for odd looking couches and chairs. You never have to ask a fat person in their home “is this your spot?” You can easily tell by looking at the imprint in the furniture. Everything takes a beating when mass tonnage is involved. Myself and people I know have destroyed many bed frames, lawn furniture and tables.

I didn’t think much about sitting on other people’s furniture until one day I was at my dad’s house. He and his wife had my family over for dinner because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. Getting ready to dine I grabbed the chair, pulled it out, sat down and then the chair broke into kindling while I fell on my hind end while my wife shook her own bowl full of jelly thinking “thank God it wasn’t me!” Naturally this brought embarrassment to me and my dad tried to cushion the blow to my self esteem by saying “That’s a piece of junk chair that’s okay it’s the chairs fault” Not really though because the chair didn’t ask for me to sit on it, and the table and chairs were newly purchased and not on the cheap side. The chair just couldn’t take my girth. My face stayed bright red the rest of the night.

Cut to a month later. We joked about the last time I was there and broke their chair and we were about to sit down for dinner, again because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. My dad’s wife had waiting for me an ugly old chair to sit on while everyone else is in the other chairs that matched the one I broke. I carefully sat down and somehow the leg started to bust off and the chair fell to the ground. How can this happen to me again! Just find me a rock to sit on please! Not one broken chair, but TWO!

When going to another’s house you must try and gauge how well the furniture is built before sitting down The best way to do this by leaning on the chair and wiggling it slightly. If it tends to sway stay away. If you can simply stay standing at all times you will never have to worry about breaking other peoples furniture. Just remember to bend at the knees to avoid buckling and passing out, stay away from wicker, and low to the ground chairs.

You must be careful not to break other people’s furniture while at the same time avoiding being stuck in a chair. If you find that you are stuck in a chair at a friends house you must do everything in your power to getup without asking for help. Imagine a chocolate cream pie as your reward for getting up without help…if that doesn’t help energize your sloth like tendencies simply throw yourself on the floor and fake a heart attack. Your fat your friend will believe that you really are having a heart attack because you are fat and the medics can help you up saving the embarrassment from your friend helping you out of your seat.  

When it comes down to it try not going to other people’s houses. It’s safer for everyone for you to stay at home.

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