To be continued in…
Posted in Not Fat Friendly, tagged arena seating, concert seats, fat, fat people, fat people sitting, fatties, fatty, how to sit in a chair, sitting for fat people, stadium seating on July 27, 2008| 5 Comments »
To be continued in…
My mother-in-law always says “no matter where you go you can always find someone fatter than you.” If you are having trouble in this area…well…I’m sorry…you’re it. For the rest of you this is quite accurate information even though it came from my mother-in-law and there is no statistical data available to back this statement up. That all being said lets continue to believe this is true.
There we were wedged into the seats provided, sitting uncomfortably comfortable in our allotted space so that we do encroach over the seats around us, when we witnessed ushers approaching fatter fatties that were unable to take on the challenge of “The Seats.” They just didn’t have the fight in them…or damn, they were just really fat. We watched in amazement when an usher said to the fatter fatties “Not to be rude but you’re just not gonna fit” as she made the supersized motion with her arms. My wife and I laughed, joking about the usher getting a giant lubed up shoehorn sprayed with Pam, the butter flavored kind to help them glide into their seat. Of course if this was happening to us we would not be laughing at all, but because it’s someone else we can laugh… it’s fair game!
As we took in a few chuckles while not chocking on our oversized pretzels, we had a good, jolly, belly laugh until we witnessed the usher escort these fatter fatties to another section.. the handicapped section. Here these fatties could sprawl out on padded folding chairs with plenty of room all around them. These seats where also located in the more expensive ticket area closer to the stage. Where is it that one draws a line to say “you are so fat… you’re handicapped”? How uncomfortable does one need to be until they are deemed eligible to be called Fatticapped. We are all for fat people rights, but why should someone get upgraded to a more luxurious seat for just being fat? My wife and I are fat too, but we were made to suffer in silence. After realizing that people were being compensated with better seats just for carrying more tonnage, my wife and I tried to appear as though we were struggling within our confines. Sadly the ushers could see through our ruse. They did not deem us Fatticaped, which usually would be good, unless it means better seats.
We watched as several spectators fatter than us got moved up. There had to have been at least a half a dozen that we witnessed go to the promise land of wider seats and wide open spaces. The kicker here was if the fatty had a non fat friend, they also moved up, as the ushers did not want to leave the fatty all by their lonesome, even though they have their fat to keep them warm. I saw one couple who resembled the number ten who were upgraded. During the concert I saw the large one… we’ll call her #0… sitting like a lump, and her “date” we’ll call him #1 basking in the glory of all his extra space, dancing up a storm, he had room to do back flips and a solo Pasodoble.
I guess I’ll have to gain some weight before my next concert so that I can enjoy a seat in the promised land. Let’s face it, we all know gaining weight is easier than losing it.
When looking over the long list of things my husband and I came up with of all the things fat people don’t like, the word “Elevators” caught my eye. You would think elevators would be something most fat people would love considering the alternative being stairs. Stairs are definitely another item fat people don’t like, seeing as climbing them can leave many fat folk breathless, and sure they are dying of a heart attack. Don’t get me wrong fat people would for sure rather take an elevator than climb stairs any day, but elevators are on the long list of things fat people do not like.
Reason one being elevators are small, cramped, and crowded. Little spaces are not things fat people enjoy. Obviously fat people feel cramped and crowed in many different places including their own skin, but elevators top the list.
Reason two being many fat people are looked at with fear as they approach an elevator by other passengers. This fear comes from the fact that many people believe that “the fat” have an unpleasant odor. This could create a problem when being confined to a small space. Of course the fear could also come from the fact that the fat person could cause the elevator to become “over the limit,” and the elevator could come crashing to the ground.
A good elevator can usually (according to the sign) hold about 2500 pounds. Let’s just say a whale family of four are in an elevator. It has been known to happen that the elevator stops just for a person to look in, see the family of whales and say “I’ll wait for the next one.” Even if this whale family each weigh 300 pounds, that is only 1200 pounds. That leaves a good 1300 pounds extra. This leaves the family feeling sad and embarrassed though, they will usually laugh and joke, because that is what they have learned to do to deal with the pain.
Example: My mother and I were at the hospital visiting my uncle. We waited for the elevator and many people attempted to cram in. As we all stood there waiting for the doors to close we heard “Beep, Beep, Beep.” A man was too close to the door so it would not close but one not so fat friendly nurse looked at my mother and me and said “I think we are over!” We both started to laugh, because even with our combined 600 pounds, there was no way mathematically we were over the limit for this large elevator that holds gurneys and heavy machinery. Laughing we got off and said “we will take the next one.” To us this was hilarious, and every time we are in an elevator I will say “Beep, beep, beep.” This type of remark could easily scare some fat folk that have not yet learned to laugh at themselves, either because they are newly fat, or are in denial.
There is one type of elevator fat people like, which is the freight elevator. It is roomier, people are not there to stare at them, and it is definitely the way to deal with mass tonnage.
Just remember, do the math to figure out how many whale pod members would actually need to be aboard to cause an elevator to come plummeting to earth, or beyond.