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Posts Tagged ‘fat people’

Today I was going through my list of things fat people hate trying to decide what to sit down and write next when I heard the weather report for later this week. The weatherman said that Thursday we would have highs in the mid 80’s. At first I experienced jubilation to bask in the sun and enjoy a lovely warm spring day… then I remembered that I am a fatty who will sweat buckets and buckets of nasty sticky salty sweat.

Everyone likes the sun, without it things would pretty much suck, but the hot hot sun is something different. Most fat people consume gallons of Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, milkshakes, and Slurpees in the spring and summer months. Why hydrate yourself with water? There’s some water in everything we drink right? Sitting around under the hot hot sun tends to work like rotisserie chicken with large people. The sun beats down while the consumed soda or milkshakes bleed out of the fatty’s pores. While the flow of sweat runs down the sun tends to cook the sweat onto the skin creating an indescribable stickiness. This sticky paste is generally accompanied by the smell of sour milk, cheese, and pork rinds that pollutes the air and most likely causes holes in the ozone layer. This smell is extremely disgusting to others while it creates the sense of “hunger” for the fat person. 

Yes the hot hot sun is no friend to those around fat people at all. It also causes the sloth like tendencies to go into a Supersloth mode. What may have taken ten minutes in “normal” temperatures now takes twenty. Tasks like doing yard work or walking to the mailbox may simply be impossible under high temperatures. However should the ice cream man come around the bend you know that porky is going to run like a Kenyan to get a fist full of Chaco Tacos.

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Metal Chairs Are So Much BetterWFPDL reader Lesa reminded me of something that fat people certainly don’t like. Thank you Lesa for reminding me how much I hate other people’s furniture. This actually reminds me of several occasions where I actually broke other peoples furniture. Fat people have a hard enough time with their own furniture because their butt imprints make for odd looking couches and chairs. You never have to ask a fat person in their home “is this your spot?” You can easily tell by looking at the imprint in the furniture. Everything takes a beating when mass tonnage is involved. Myself and people I know have destroyed many bed frames, lawn furniture and tables.

I didn’t think much about sitting on other people’s furniture until one day I was at my dad’s house. He and his wife had my family over for dinner because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. Getting ready to dine I grabbed the chair, pulled it out, sat down and then the chair broke into kindling while I fell on my hind end while my wife shook her own bowl full of jelly thinking “thank God it wasn’t me!” Naturally this brought embarrassment to me and my dad tried to cushion the blow to my self esteem by saying “That’s a piece of junk chair that’s okay it’s the chairs fault” Not really though because the chair didn’t ask for me to sit on it, and the table and chairs were newly purchased and not on the cheap side. The chair just couldn’t take my girth. My face stayed bright red the rest of the night.

Cut to a month later. We joked about the last time I was there and broke their chair and we were about to sit down for dinner, again because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. My dad’s wife had waiting for me an ugly old chair to sit on while everyone else is in the other chairs that matched the one I broke. I carefully sat down and somehow the leg started to bust off and the chair fell to the ground. How can this happen to me again! Just find me a rock to sit on please! Not one broken chair, but TWO!

When going to another’s house you must try and gauge how well the furniture is built before sitting down The best way to do this by leaning on the chair and wiggling it slightly. If it tends to sway stay away. If you can simply stay standing at all times you will never have to worry about breaking other peoples furniture. Just remember to bend at the knees to avoid buckling and passing out, stay away from wicker, and low to the ground chairs.

You must be careful not to break other people’s furniture while at the same time avoiding being stuck in a chair. If you find that you are stuck in a chair at a friends house you must do everything in your power to getup without asking for help. Imagine a chocolate cream pie as your reward for getting up without help…if that doesn’t help energize your sloth like tendencies simply throw yourself on the floor and fake a heart attack. Your fat your friend will believe that you really are having a heart attack because you are fat and the medics can help you up saving the embarrassment from your friend helping you out of your seat.  

When it comes down to it try not going to other people’s houses. It’s safer for everyone for you to stay at home.

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When looking over the long list of things my husband and I came up with of all the things fat people don’t like, the word “Elevators” caught my eye.  You would think elevators would be something most fat people would love considering the alternative being stairs.  Stairs are definitely another item fat people don’t like, seeing as climbing them can leave many fat folk breathless, and sure they are dying of a heart attack.  Don’t get me wrong fat people would for sure rather take an elevator than climb stairs any day, but elevators are on the long list of things fat people do not like.

Reason one being elevators are small, cramped, and crowded.  Little spaces are not things fat people enjoy.  Obviously fat people feel cramped and crowed in many different places including their own skin, but elevators top the list. 

Reason two being many fat people are looked at with fear as they approach an elevator by other passengers.  This fear comes from the fact that many people believe that “the fat” have an unpleasant odor.  This could create a problem when being confined to a small space.  Of course the fear could also come from the fact that the fat person could cause the elevator to become “over the limit,” and the elevator could come crashing to the ground. 

A good elevator can usually (according to the sign) hold about 2500 pounds.  Let’s just say a whale family of four are in an elevator. It has been known to happen that the elevator stops just for a person to look in, see the family of whales and say “I’ll wait for the next one.”  Even if this whale family each weigh 300 pounds, that is only 1200 pounds.  That leaves a good 1300 pounds extra.  This leaves the family feeling sad and embarrassed though, they will usually laugh and joke, because that is what they have learned to do to deal with the pain.

Example:  My mother and I were at the hospital visiting my uncle.  We waited for the elevator and many people attempted to cram in.  As we all stood there waiting for the doors to close we heard “Beep, Beep, Beep.”  A man was too close to the door so it would not close but one not so fat friendly nurse looked at my mother and me and said “I think we are over!”  We both started to laugh, because even with our combined 600 pounds, there was no way mathematically we were over the limit for this large elevator that holds gurneys and heavy machinery.  Laughing we got off and said “we will take the next one.”  To us this was hilarious, and every time we are in an elevator I will say “Beep, beep, beep.”  This type of remark could easily scare some fat folk that have not yet learned to laugh at themselves, either because they are newly fat, or are in denial.

There is one type of elevator fat people like, which is the freight elevator.  It is roomier, people are not there to stare at them, and it is definitely the way to deal with mass tonnage.   

Just remember, do the math to figure out how many whale pod members would actually need to be aboard to cause an elevator to come plummeting to earth, or beyond.

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RollerCoasterSummer vacations, state fairs, and tourist regions are known for their fast food and their fast rides. This is a great time for those not weight challenged. Just the thought of going on such an adventure can cause kids to scream with excitement, while their fat friends and relatives scream in horror of the thought of being turned away from the ride.  One time I remember getting in a ride car with one of those metal lap bars that comes down for the restraint and having the attendant ask to raise my arms, cross my legs and suck in my gut while he pushed and even sat on the bar until it locked into position. That was not fun, but at least I was able to go on the ride.

Everyone knows someone who was told they were too fat to go on a ride and most fat people can laugh about it as long as it’s not them. Having a pimply faced teenager send a fat person away would bring much sadness to a fat person. They would most likely eat an enormous amount of fried food to help with the pain because as we all know…food makes it all better.

There are two signs for fat folk to look for when hitting the amusement parks. They are weight limits, and waist limits. Sometimes it’s not the weight of the person but the size of the gut. Can the safety bar lock in place or does ones lard belly bumper prevent it from locking? When looking for the appropriate signage be sure that you can read through the lines. Amusement parks will try and make it politically correct by saying “guests of exceptional size.” This may confuse the uneducated fat person.

Here’s a sample from an amusement parks website:

“Guests of exceptional size may not be accommodated on some of our rides. This may apply, but not be limited to, men who exceed 6’2″, or those who exceed 225 pounds, have a 40″ waistline or 52″ chest or females who exceed 200 pounds or wear size 18 or larger. Each person has different body proportions so it is not possible to list exact size and weight.”

Really someone needs to make the ultimate Fat friendly amusement park, and just design the rides for the likes of baby elephants as this would ensure plenty of room for the fatty’s.  I’m thinking more like reinforced inflatable rides for large adults. We can also replace the child’s ball pit with perhaps a large pool of barbequed ribs. Really who wants to go on thrill rides when you can eat yourself out of a pool of ribs?

 

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A turnstile as most of you know is a form of a gate that allows one person to pass through at a time. It also can restrict passage for people going through unless they insert a coin, ticket, or a pass. It also restricts access to fat people.

Many fat people have had nightmares about going to a fair or sporting event where turnstiles are used. Being lodged between a metal gate and a metal bar is as frighting as low fat mayonnaise. Their non-fat friends bust through the turnstile like it is merely a turnstile, while distended cows find themselves bending, shaping, and moving their lard bags in ways never seen before. Some fat people push up their belly flap all the way to their chest while squishing their side fat inward and leaning on the turnstile to make passage. Since turnstiles are often used to gain entrance into places and events, larger open-gates are generally the form of exiting. Once passage is made, a general sigh of relief is given, much in the same way a Mongolian warrior makes a war cry. To the untrained ear you may think someone has slaughtered an elephant.

Turnstile gatekeepers, be advised that while fat people fear turnstiles, what they fear most is to be pointed out by gatekeepers and asked to go through the handicapped passage. This is an announcement to the world saying “You are too fat!” While most fat people realize this themselves, they have self-inflicted challenges they like to stay away from. PDSO’s (Public Displays of Showing Obesity.)

Many whale pods that travel to places with turnstiles have formed three strategies.

  • 1. Bringing a wheel chair. Someone in the family has made a sacrifice to say they will enter with a wheelchair so that the whale pod can move without embarrassment. The wheel chair participant can use this as an opportunity to fake injury or mental capabilities. This can also be useful to pass around the roly-poly family so that breathing time can take place.
  • 2. Bringing in a Child in a Stroller. The largest member in the pod usually gets the privilege of pushing any children in the group in a stroller.  This way, they can look like the doting caregiver.  A person could always try just pushing an empty stroller, if no children are available.
  • 3. The fish ladder approach. Having all but one of the “smaller” family members break through first so that the largest of the pod can be pushed and pulled through the turnstile. This approach brings a lot of attention and people watchers absolutely enjoy it, but it is effective and allows bonding for fat people without the use of food.

Turnstiles suck but they have been around a long time and will probably stick around. Originally turnstiles were used to keep livestock penned in while allowing humans to pass… and today… well, yeah, I guess it’s still the same.  

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There’s nothing cooler than finding a piece of clothing that is exactly the style you were looking for. Euphoria and delight go through your veins while sifting through the clothing racks to find the one that was meant for you. Often fat people realize that retailers may not have their exact size and most fat people understand that. What truly sucks for fat people is finding that all the items are “one size fits most”.  

“One size fits most” is the sequel to “one size fits all.” Clothing manufactures needed to find a loophole when class action lawsuits occurred by groups of swollen paunchy fatties who came together on a united front to say “One size does not fit me!” So OSFM was created.  When looking through clothing, and coming across “one size fits most” you must make a decision. Are you “most” or are you not? Chances are, if you have to think “will this fit me?”…’one size fits most’ is not for you. One size fits most is a load of crap. It might as well say “if you are looking at this tag put it down and move directly to the camping department to pick up a fashionable blue tarp.” Tarps will work in place of any piece of clothing with a little ingenuity.  

It really stinks when a fat person gets a gift that is “one size fits most.”  The giver is saying “I got this for you! Put it on, it’s one size fits most!” So the fat person tries it on only to realize that it will not work out, but now feels obligated to wear the garment that is pushing the fabric to the limit.

Unless a fat person is in denial…they should know if they are not in the “most” category. If a fat person attempts to cram their jelly donut thighs into something that is too tight, without hesitation, non-fat associates should help their friend out by saying “that makes you look fat.”  This might cause them a second of embarrassment, but it will also make them second guess their decision to wear the article of clothing. We all know that fat people are going to be fat no matter what they wear, but the clothing should not be showing off every single roll they have. 

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Don't Sit On Me!A papasan chair is a large, rounded, bowl-shaped chair with an adjustable angle and made of “sturdy wicker” or wood. The problem for fat people is however sturdy the wicker or wood may be, it is not enough. Lets face it, for a papasan chair to work for a fat person it would need to be constructed of heavy steel, concrete, bricks, or any other material used to construct industrial buildings.  You might as well make a chair out of popsicle sticks if you use wicker and wood to make a home for an enormous posterior. 

Should a fat person come to your home, and you ask them to sit down on your papasan chair be prepared to…

1. have a broken chair

2. call the tow truck company, because you will need a heavy crane to pull your fat friend from the ground.

I would highly recommend having large cement blocks available if you entertain fat folk often. The cement will most likely be able to handle the weight requirements of your often masticating compadre. You should not worry about entertaining much, as most fat people would rather meet their friends at a restaurant. This way they know what food options are available to them.

Papasan chairs are better suited for small children, smaller people with Asian backgrounds, jockey’s, or cats. Should you see a papasan in the house of a fat person chances are good that no one has ever actually sat in the chair.

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