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Archive for the ‘Not Fat Friendly’ Category

Low Water PressureI suppose this is one of those things that non fat people dislike too. But I think the supersized individual dislikes it even more. The hatred of low water pressure comes from two places. The first of which stems from a piece of equipment that creates many mixed emotions for a fat person… The Toilet. You see since fat people consume large amounts of food they must also dispose proportionate amounts.  Nothing strikes more fear into the heart of a fatty (except maybe a Co-Worker snatching the last maple bar out of the Community donut box) than a pitiful swirl caused by low water pressure that is insufficient  in even moving a giant sized turd. For all you not fatty thrill seekers out there if you want to get your heart pumping eat as much food as possible and then go to an acquaintance’s house that has low water pressure and drop a bomb. Watching as the deposit swirls and makes its way up to the rim of bowl is sure to make you squirt out any remaining Doody into your pants… That is if you have pulled them up already.

With that said, the second part of low water pressure is the almost nonexistent stream of water or worse yet the water saving shower head that creates nothing more than a mist. Contrary to popular belief some of the large brethren actually try to clean themselves even going as far as including spots under the folds to remove the stinky stank. This is near impossible with a low water pressure. Just as you would not try to clean off an elephant with a squirt gun… you should not attempt to clean of a fat person with a Low water pressure showers. They are a big’uns worst enemy. To better understand this it is important to realize that the path the water has to take to be able to reach the parts that need the most cleaning, it must travel around bulbous stomachs and large behinds. If it is a trickle by the time it gets past these obstacles it is pointless.

You may say… “Hey Tubby…What about wash clothes? Why not just scrub off the dirt?” Well Most Fat people I know have an aversion to wash clothes… Especially community wash clothes used by multiple fat family members. We know what hides in those dark places and can be transferred to a germ infested cloth. Besides we know that we need the full power that only a bar of soap in direct contact with our skin can provide. Rinsing off this full on soap attack is at the very heart of problem. If not properly rinsed off (especially in the cracks) this sudsy chemical layer reacts when left to heat and feaster in the nether regions. The lubricated cheeks then create more problems as one waddles which I will not get into at this point.

So as you can see low water pressure may be an inconvenience or undesirable for a regular person but for a fat person it is much more.

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As I sat in a meeting next to a fellow behemoth I noticed that along with a nice dress shirt, tie and pants this gentleman was wearing a shiny new pair of forest green Crocs. Then as I was leaving the meeting i looked down and noticed my shoe was untied. I knew it would have to stay this way until getting back to my desk so as not to attempt to bend over in front of everyone. Once at my desk I was able to tie it while sitting down. This enables me to reach my foot by bringing it up to my lap. Somehow we fatties have developed the ability to bend the leg at the knee and bring the foot up relative far to compensate for the inability to bend over. This does however result in the bow of the shoe lace to end up to one side of the foot. Look at a foot of a Chubster next time and you will see what I mean. Once regaining my breath from this strenuous procedure I realized how much I hate shoe laces. Later at lunch as I made my way to the local grocery store deli to partake in the Chicken strip lunch special (Bigguns may want to visit their local Fred Meyer for this great feast which includes 3 giant strips, any side.. but who wouldn’t pick the Jo Jo’s.. A soda and a roll all for under $5! And they toss in free ranch! Boo Ya! That is some good eatin’ see figure 1-1) I noticed all the fatties especially the ones driving around on the motorized fat conveyance devices (you know the I am too fat and lazy to walk around picking out items for my next gorge session. Ever notice how the back end of these folks spill over the sides and hide the scooter there by making the person appear to float on a cloud of Fatness.. but I digress.) Where was I oh yes… They all had on either sandals (that appear to meld into the fatty foot, some form of crocs or slip on shoes, or Velcro. It dawned on me.. it wasn’t just me… Fat people hate shoe laces!

 

Luckily there are a few ways around this.. see cheater foot wear as mentioned above or my personal choice… tie your shoe once and then slip your shoe on and off while still tied. This can be aided with one of the world’s great inventions for Tubbies… The shoe horn on a stick. If there was a site devoted to what fat people Love this would be on the list!

 

Much of the dislike of shoe laces comes about over the fact that Fat people hate to bend over! If you have ever witnessed a fat person bend over ( I am sure you will agree it is a rare occurrence) you will notice we have developed an elaborate system using one arm out perpendicular and one leg straight out back.(see Figure 1-2)  This form is both for balance and a counter weight system to help enable one to right once self by swinging the leg back into place causing enough moment to bring the upper half back up to place similar to a pendulum. This one arm method makes it incredibly hard to tie a shoe. (Please cross reference with http://www.whatpeoplewithoneArmHate.com to understand why). Also a fat person must hold their breath when bending over because the girth pushing on internal organs and lungs makes it impossible to breath. If my shoe becomes untied and chubs mcgee can not wait until a chance to sit down he will immediately look for a raised curb or a stair step of some sort, anything to bring the foot closer. For a fat person the ground may as well be a mile away because it takes just as much time and work to get there… Except on slippery grass or in a public shower because the ground comes at a fat person pretty quick for a fat person (see figure 2-1) not to mention the natural phenomenon that occurs after a fat person falls that enables them to get back to their feet faster than the time it takes to inhale a Chocolate shake. And so after all this I dub the Croc. the new Moo Moo. It is the ultimate form of fat people comfort while disregarding all elements of style.

 

 

 

 

   

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Today I was going through my list of things fat people hate trying to decide what to sit down and write next when I heard the weather report for later this week. The weatherman said that Thursday we would have highs in the mid 80’s. At first I experienced jubilation to bask in the sun and enjoy a lovely warm spring day… then I remembered that I am a fatty who will sweat buckets and buckets of nasty sticky salty sweat.

Everyone likes the sun, without it things would pretty much suck, but the hot hot sun is something different. Most fat people consume gallons of Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, milkshakes, and Slurpees in the spring and summer months. Why hydrate yourself with water? There’s some water in everything we drink right? Sitting around under the hot hot sun tends to work like rotisserie chicken with large people. The sun beats down while the consumed soda or milkshakes bleed out of the fatty’s pores. While the flow of sweat runs down the sun tends to cook the sweat onto the skin creating an indescribable stickiness. This sticky paste is generally accompanied by the smell of sour milk, cheese, and pork rinds that pollutes the air and most likely causes holes in the ozone layer. This smell is extremely disgusting to others while it creates the sense of “hunger” for the fat person. 

Yes the hot hot sun is no friend to those around fat people at all. It also causes the sloth like tendencies to go into a Supersloth mode. What may have taken ten minutes in “normal” temperatures now takes twenty. Tasks like doing yard work or walking to the mailbox may simply be impossible under high temperatures. However should the ice cream man come around the bend you know that porky is going to run like a Kenyan to get a fist full of Chaco Tacos.

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When looking over the long list of things my husband and I came up with of all the things fat people don’t like, the word “Elevators” caught my eye.  You would think elevators would be something most fat people would love considering the alternative being stairs.  Stairs are definitely another item fat people don’t like, seeing as climbing them can leave many fat folk breathless, and sure they are dying of a heart attack.  Don’t get me wrong fat people would for sure rather take an elevator than climb stairs any day, but elevators are on the long list of things fat people do not like.

Reason one being elevators are small, cramped, and crowded.  Little spaces are not things fat people enjoy.  Obviously fat people feel cramped and crowed in many different places including their own skin, but elevators top the list. 

Reason two being many fat people are looked at with fear as they approach an elevator by other passengers.  This fear comes from the fact that many people believe that “the fat” have an unpleasant odor.  This could create a problem when being confined to a small space.  Of course the fear could also come from the fact that the fat person could cause the elevator to become “over the limit,” and the elevator could come crashing to the ground. 

A good elevator can usually (according to the sign) hold about 2500 pounds.  Let’s just say a whale family of four are in an elevator. It has been known to happen that the elevator stops just for a person to look in, see the family of whales and say “I’ll wait for the next one.”  Even if this whale family each weigh 300 pounds, that is only 1200 pounds.  That leaves a good 1300 pounds extra.  This leaves the family feeling sad and embarrassed though, they will usually laugh and joke, because that is what they have learned to do to deal with the pain.

Example:  My mother and I were at the hospital visiting my uncle.  We waited for the elevator and many people attempted to cram in.  As we all stood there waiting for the doors to close we heard “Beep, Beep, Beep.”  A man was too close to the door so it would not close but one not so fat friendly nurse looked at my mother and me and said “I think we are over!”  We both started to laugh, because even with our combined 600 pounds, there was no way mathematically we were over the limit for this large elevator that holds gurneys and heavy machinery.  Laughing we got off and said “we will take the next one.”  To us this was hilarious, and every time we are in an elevator I will say “Beep, beep, beep.”  This type of remark could easily scare some fat folk that have not yet learned to laugh at themselves, either because they are newly fat, or are in denial.

There is one type of elevator fat people like, which is the freight elevator.  It is roomier, people are not there to stare at them, and it is definitely the way to deal with mass tonnage.   

Just remember, do the math to figure out how many whale pod members would actually need to be aboard to cause an elevator to come plummeting to earth, or beyond.

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Restaurant BoothsIt’s funny that places that actually help create the fat for most people eventually squeeze them out. Roomy restaurant booths of yesterday have been replaced with tight fitting sardine can style booths for today. Sure the booths of yesterday were probably the same size, but fat people generally take a gradual run towards total obesity so it feels like the booths are getting smaller and smaller.  

The problem for most fat people and booths are those with beer guts. Let’s face it you can have a hind end the size of tailgate and still fit in the booth as long as your belly doesn’t occupy too much space. Booths can be deceiving, some may be fat friendly and some may not, but I would say 80% are not fat friendly. It’s all about the height of the table. Before inviting a fat friend to a restaurant with questionable booth size I would recommend to do recon at the restaurant first. First measure the distance from the top of the seat to the bottom of the table top. Second, measure your tubby friend from the bottom of their bottom to the top of their belly.

If your friend’s measurements are less than that of the restaurants then you’re good to go. If you’re not good to go buy your friend an Ab Roller and duct tape a Twinkie in between their knees. This may help shed some pounds, and if it doesn’t well you’ll have a few minutes of fun watching your pudgy friend work out.

The general rule of thumb when traveling with one to two fat people is to ask for a table or the half booth. This would accommodate their breadbasket without putting a squeeze on their spare tire. If embarking out on the town with more than two fat people or an entire whale pod stick to drive-thru’s, bars with tables, and barbeques.  

Lastly at all costs avoid the large half circle booth. Many fat people have been stuck in circle booths over the years only to be pulled out by their friends or restaurant employees.  Some unfortunate dim witted obese oafs have been cut out of the dreaded circle booth by the Jaws of Life. Firefighters have rescued many fat people from these unsafe booths while the scared fat people continue to eat their bottomless fries, or all you can eat shrimp. But really can you blame them? Food makes it all better, even being trapped within a circle booth while surrounded by the entire fire department.   

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RollerCoasterSummer vacations, state fairs, and tourist regions are known for their fast food and their fast rides. This is a great time for those not weight challenged. Just the thought of going on such an adventure can cause kids to scream with excitement, while their fat friends and relatives scream in horror of the thought of being turned away from the ride.  One time I remember getting in a ride car with one of those metal lap bars that comes down for the restraint and having the attendant ask to raise my arms, cross my legs and suck in my gut while he pushed and even sat on the bar until it locked into position. That was not fun, but at least I was able to go on the ride.

Everyone knows someone who was told they were too fat to go on a ride and most fat people can laugh about it as long as it’s not them. Having a pimply faced teenager send a fat person away would bring much sadness to a fat person. They would most likely eat an enormous amount of fried food to help with the pain because as we all know…food makes it all better.

There are two signs for fat folk to look for when hitting the amusement parks. They are weight limits, and waist limits. Sometimes it’s not the weight of the person but the size of the gut. Can the safety bar lock in place or does ones lard belly bumper prevent it from locking? When looking for the appropriate signage be sure that you can read through the lines. Amusement parks will try and make it politically correct by saying “guests of exceptional size.” This may confuse the uneducated fat person.

Here’s a sample from an amusement parks website:

“Guests of exceptional size may not be accommodated on some of our rides. This may apply, but not be limited to, men who exceed 6’2″, or those who exceed 225 pounds, have a 40″ waistline or 52″ chest or females who exceed 200 pounds or wear size 18 or larger. Each person has different body proportions so it is not possible to list exact size and weight.”

Really someone needs to make the ultimate Fat friendly amusement park, and just design the rides for the likes of baby elephants as this would ensure plenty of room for the fatty’s.  I’m thinking more like reinforced inflatable rides for large adults. We can also replace the child’s ball pit with perhaps a large pool of barbequed ribs. Really who wants to go on thrill rides when you can eat yourself out of a pool of ribs?

 

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A turnstile as most of you know is a form of a gate that allows one person to pass through at a time. It also can restrict passage for people going through unless they insert a coin, ticket, or a pass. It also restricts access to fat people.

Many fat people have had nightmares about going to a fair or sporting event where turnstiles are used. Being lodged between a metal gate and a metal bar is as frighting as low fat mayonnaise. Their non-fat friends bust through the turnstile like it is merely a turnstile, while distended cows find themselves bending, shaping, and moving their lard bags in ways never seen before. Some fat people push up their belly flap all the way to their chest while squishing their side fat inward and leaning on the turnstile to make passage. Since turnstiles are often used to gain entrance into places and events, larger open-gates are generally the form of exiting. Once passage is made, a general sigh of relief is given, much in the same way a Mongolian warrior makes a war cry. To the untrained ear you may think someone has slaughtered an elephant.

Turnstile gatekeepers, be advised that while fat people fear turnstiles, what they fear most is to be pointed out by gatekeepers and asked to go through the handicapped passage. This is an announcement to the world saying “You are too fat!” While most fat people realize this themselves, they have self-inflicted challenges they like to stay away from. PDSO’s (Public Displays of Showing Obesity.)

Many whale pods that travel to places with turnstiles have formed three strategies.

  • 1. Bringing a wheel chair. Someone in the family has made a sacrifice to say they will enter with a wheelchair so that the whale pod can move without embarrassment. The wheel chair participant can use this as an opportunity to fake injury or mental capabilities. This can also be useful to pass around the roly-poly family so that breathing time can take place.
  • 2. Bringing in a Child in a Stroller. The largest member in the pod usually gets the privilege of pushing any children in the group in a stroller.  This way, they can look like the doting caregiver.  A person could always try just pushing an empty stroller, if no children are available.
  • 3. The fish ladder approach. Having all but one of the “smaller” family members break through first so that the largest of the pod can be pushed and pulled through the turnstile. This approach brings a lot of attention and people watchers absolutely enjoy it, but it is effective and allows bonding for fat people without the use of food.

Turnstiles suck but they have been around a long time and will probably stick around. Originally turnstiles were used to keep livestock penned in while allowing humans to pass… and today… well, yeah, I guess it’s still the same.  

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