I know amusement park rides have already been addressed but I wanted to bring up an offshoot that has not been discussed and that is the water park. Don’t get me wrong many of the big brethren love the water and can often be seen gleefully splashing about like grossly disfigured monstrous dolphins. But when it comes to water parks, especially waterslides, many of us encounter some uncomfortable experiences.
First and foremost there is the swim suit. Often times with a normal pool one can make their way from changing area directly to the pool without much fear of being stared or laughed at, or in some cases screamed at by small children. Once in the pool the refractory properties of the water can often disguise the horrendous shapes lurking below. In a water park however, one must walk about from one spot to another. Men usually try and hide themselves and there man boobs by wearing a t-shirt along with the swim trunks. This however only makes the problems more obvious to everyone and draws even more attention to oneself. Much of the time that could be spent enjoying the aquatic goodness is spent pulling the clinging wet shirt away from the body, which typically makes an intense loud suction noise that is heard by all around. This can also cause a full belly hickey should it occur too often in one day.
Many of the slides and rides do not allow you to wear a t-shirt and the ones that do can often times cause the shirt to pull up and around a persons neck, not only strangling the individual but exposing the blinding white voluminous flesh to all those waiting at the bottom. (if the sun is just right when the gleaming white butterball pops out that once can be blinded for an extended amount of time) The women on the other hand also have to make some hard clothing decisions. The most popular option for a plus size women is the bathing suit with the horribly ugly skirt section attached to the bottom. It is one of the only clothing attachments that is so obviously added on for the sole purpose of hiding a large front and backside. They try to make it sound pleasing by calling it a “swim skirt” but really should take a term on like “fat blinders” or “cottage cheese shields”
Then we come to the rides themselves. Often times the slides require climbing up great amounts of stairs (yes stairs will make an appearance on here…need not worry). I’m not a math wiz but…
Stairs + big + hot + sweaty + wet + gigantic person = Heart Attack!
Once up to the top the greasy beat down big person gasping for air must choose the slide they need to go down. There are usually several options, most of which provide different but equally challenging choices. First there is the slow side. The slow side typically does not have enough water rushing through it to provide enough momentum to get the person to the bottom. When the rotund waterfowl starts they have great momentum and gravity helping them race down the tubes… then… their fatness kicks gravity and momentum in the ass. So much so that almost three quarters of the rest of the decent is spent scooting large amounts of flesh down the slide a bit at a time hoping to get to the bottom before a foot of a small child going full speed is implanted in their back. If someone needs to get a better visual of this… take a pack of chewing gum… chew it up… then try to move it through a 25 foot garden hose…. Good luck with that.
The next option is the twisty slide. This slide will provide enough momentum to get one down but the twists and turns along with the roundness of the individual will send the fatty flaying about topsy turvy in a manner that many big’uns find so frightening that they will see their whole fat lives flash before their little fat eyes. Often this is compounded by the intake of water and the bumping of heads as they are tossed about like a dying fish in bucket. That is unless they get wedged in one of the turns. When this happens the individual is stuck in one of the turns until enough water pressure and additional sliders build up behind them to blast them through like piece of pork fat gristle out a gargantuan’s mouth after being given the Heimlich maneuver.
The third option is the fast slide, as mentioned before though, no T-shirts allowed. Because of this the sweaty greased up fat back will give the rider even more speed. Once at the bottom of the slide the individual has so much momentum that they are plunged so far and so deep into the exit pool that, with the limited lung capacity (you can’t have that much weight on anything and expect it to fully expand) that the amount of time spent underwater can be life threatening.
One of the last dangers at a water park is only if the big guy decides to go all out with no t-shirt. And that is the consumption of the chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Because when fat people eat they typically spill. The fat man will often end up with ice cream in their chest hair that is difficult to get out. If the man has no chest hair he must also be worried about others in his fat Pod being so over come by the site of more ice cream that they may all jump on the man and start feverishly licking him. This can cause quite a scene and is a great source of embarrassment.
Please post more entries about things that fat people don’t like! You’ve been on an awfully long lunch break, so I suspect you’ve fallen into a blissful food coma… but it’s time to wake up now and entertain us so that we can laugh and snort at the unfortunate things you have to deal with! :]
Pretty please, with extra icing on top? and a cherry on top. heck, have the whole jar of cherries. and the tub of icing.
“What fat people don’t like” YOU!
yup. I’d take on the stairs, have no worries about getting stuck and don’t really care if my cottage cheese legs are displayed for the whole world to see. My waterslide fears come in with the thought that I can see small children’s heads peek up over the edge of the slide as they whip around that 2nd turn and I figure I weigh probably 5x what that kid does so the obvious conclusion is that by the time I hit that 2nd turn, my momentum has picked up to the point that there will be no “peeking” over the edge. 5x more of my body will be sliding up the side of that slide which means “WATCH OUT BELOW”!!!!
Also I remember as a kid we could pretty easily tell how big a person was coming down the slide by how much water sloshed over the edge at each turn. Then we’d laugh when some big old guy came flying out the shoot at the bottom. I’m not a big fan of all the 8 year olds cheering while my big ass displaces the majority of the slide water on my way down.
This ROX!!! I can’t help but laugh. Thanks:D
I hate it if I have to wait for my food.
I hate having to wipe my butt.
I hate gravity.
I hate the yeast infections I get in my fat folds.
I hate food that is hard to chew.
I hate having to charge my power chair.
I hate having to walk to the mail box to get my free diabetic supplies.
But I love food much more than I hate all of the above. Food is my God!
love it!
This was so wonderfully, grossly true. My big ass just came from the Great Wolf Lodge where I feel that they are very accommodating to fat people, Between the stairs, the hateful ass tweens making fun of me, and the high velocity of my big ass going down the slides I was sure that a heart attack was eminent.
I’m overweight – 140 pounds – and believe it or not I went to a water park in my resident Florida last fall. (The park in question was Blizzard Beach at Walt Disney World.) I wore a maillot with tummy control and looked just fine there – there were close to zero tauntings and stares at me. I fared the slides well, too – especially the tallest in America, Summit Plummet. If I were like 300 pounds, that would have been a different story.
Of course, you have detailed about the gauntlets obese people face at the water park. be it at Walt Disney World, Universal Orlando (theirs is Wet n’ Wild), or elsewhere. Women have to deal with skirted swimwear and men have to cope with the T-shirt.
I have linked your blog entry on the issue on my blog, The Whiz Kid Forte’s Link Fest.
My solution to the “Swim Skirt” is the “Swim Short” I love them so much, now I just have to pull them out of my fat legs and it’s all good, no cottage cheese for others to see.
And I love the lazy rivers but I don’t know about the rafts, cant get my fat butt up in them so no lazy rivers for me anymore, I’ll just be in the wave pool for the day.
I haven’t been in a swinsuit since I was a child. I miss swimming and going to the beach and waterparks. I think i want to die because socceity makes it impossible for me to ever go in public again.
I’m so sorry for that! I recently made a blog on weight loss, water parks, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)! I hope that would motivate me!
I laughed so hard my daughter came to check on me! I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. Thanks.
I laugh and cried at the same time because I remembered tht this blog was speaking of people like me.
f*** it, that s*** was funny! lmao!!!
anyone who laughs at this blog is SICK. This is so degrading to me and woman especially! RUDE and uncalled for. I’m a size ten and am at my biggest and I worry about it some, but YOU people make me SICK making fun of bigger people in this way. Just awful!!! Be ashamed!!! To know that there are ADULTS out there judging other human beings in this way makes me so sad! I would never look at someone bigger then me in a degrading way let along think a blog like this was funny! Shame on all of you!!!!
You are a dick.
I found this extremely offensive. Hurtful even. Everyone is all about acceptance. We are all children of God. I agree that swimwear should be tasteful. That goes for all people. Calling people fatties and such is uncalled for. I hope you never have an accident that causes you to be disfigured and scarred for life. You have no idea how it feels.
I’m not sure why people thinks the blog is offensive to fat people. I’m fat, 263 lbs to be exact, and I find it hilarious. The way I read is like “I know what you all are thinking, gotta get my big, fat, buttery butt up the stairs and squeezed into the seat. You know what, since you like looking at it, take a video, it’ll last longer!”
What I find offensive is when I say “I’m so fat” and skinny, or normal sized people cheer me on and say things like “Hey, you’re beautiful! Who cares what people think?” Or better yet “I could stand to lose weight myself”. Then say to themselves “I would starve myself if I ever got as fat as her!!”
THAT is what is SICK to me! They’re trying to be so sweet it’s sickening. They might as well say “Aww, you are fat…so I know you have a low self-esteem because I know I would.” PLEASE!! Shut up already!! I’m fat, I’m stating a fact. It doesn’t mean I have low-esteem and need someone to lift me up (no pun intended) and it doesn’t mean I crave every flavor of donut on the planet (don’t get me wrong, I can’t resist a dozen glazed donuts in one sitting but that’s besides the point) and it doesn’t mean I don’t have great qualities. I have flaws that are visible but you do too! Do you ever!! The biggest one is your mouth! Who knows what else you got hidden in your bag of bones!