Turnstiles

A turnstile as most of you know is a form of a gate that allows one person to pass through at a time. It also can restrict passage for people going through unless they insert a coin, ticket, or a pass. It also restricts access to fat people.

Many fat people have had nightmares about going to a fair or sporting event where turnstiles are used. Being lodged between a metal gate and a metal bar is as frighting as low fat mayonnaise. Their non-fat friends bust through the turnstile like it is merely a turnstile, while distended cows find themselves bending, shaping, and moving their lard bags in ways never seen before. Some fat people push up their belly flap all the way to their chest while squishing their side fat inward and leaning on the turnstile to make passage. Since turnstiles are often used to gain entrance into places and events, larger open-gates are generally the form of exiting. Once passage is made, a general sigh of relief is given, much in the same way a Mongolian warrior makes a war cry. To the untrained ear you may think someone has slaughtered an elephant.

Turnstile gatekeepers, be advised that while fat people fear turnstiles, what they fear most is to be pointed out by gatekeepers and asked to go through the handicapped passage. This is an announcement to the world saying “You are too fat!” While most fat people realize this themselves, they have self-inflicted challenges they like to stay away from. PDSO’s (Public Displays of Showing Obesity.)

Many whale pods that travel to places with turnstiles have formed three strategies.

• 1. Bringing a wheel chair. Someone in the family has made a sacrifice to say they will enter with a wheelchair so that the whale pod can move without embarrassment. The wheel chair participant can use this as an opportunity to fake injury or mental capabilities. This can also be useful to pass around the roly-poly family so that breathing time can take place.
• 2. Bringing in a Child in a Stroller. The largest member in the pod usually gets the privilege of pushing any children in the group in a stroller.  This way, they can look like the doting caregiver.  A person could always try just pushing an empty stroller, if no children are available.
• 3. The fish ladder approach. Having all but one of the “smaller” family members break through first so that the largest of the pod can be pushed and pulled through the turnstile. This approach brings a lot of attention and people watchers absolutely enjoy it, but it is effective and allows bonding for fat people without the use of food.

Turnstiles suck but they have been around a long time and will probably stick around. Originally turnstiles were used to keep livestock penned in while allowing humans to pass… and today… well, yeah, I guess it’s still the same.