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Fat people on TV is a rare thing, usually the only time you see fat people on TV is when they need to lose weight like on the Biggest Loser or  occasionally on COPS. Enter the show Mike & Molly. When my wife I heard that there was a sitcom about fat people we reached for the remote, heated up our nachos and sat down to watch.  The show is funny. It’s like the show was made after me and my wife… except I’m not a cop, we’re already married and we would never step into overeater’s anonymous. Really who does that?

It’s 30 minutes of fat jokes, by fat people, for fat people. It’s good stuff. Not to play spoiler, but these characters met during the first episode and we follow the progression as their relationship develops. They have reached the point of intimacy. This is when the show was noticed by the media. The media does not like fat people.

If you haven’t read it. This charming blogger wrote an ignorant rant for Marie Claire. This received a lot of attention from folks. In a nut shell she spoke about how seeing two obese people kissing each other grossed her out. As an obese person… I get that. This is why my wife and I don’t video tape ourselves having sex…that and many other reasons. 

So the media and people on the internet went after this person with pitchforks, torches, and probably a few smore’s. Not long after that, there was an apology saying they didn’t mean to upset fat people. What the hell? Stand by your thoughts! If you think fat people are gross, don’t say it and then say… oh I’m sorry nevermind you’re great! My bad! Because that’s bologna… mmmm bologna. Have your opinion and stay with it. There is nothing wrong with saying you don’t like watching fat people kiss. I don’t like watching ultimate fighting, nature shows, or Judge Judy. Rather than tell everyone that every time I see Judge Judy I want to vomit, I simply DON’T WATCH THE SHOW. That’s just one of the great things about remote controls.

Again this blogger was ignorant. She stated that simply watching obese people walking makes her sick. If fat people make her sick, that’s too bad. There’s a lot of fat people. Deal with it. Stay away from McDonald’s, Wal Mart, and State Fairs, which incidentally are three of my favorite places. She also said that fat people are all unhappy. Where do you think the phrase “Fat and Happy” came from? Fat people are hilarious! If you find a fat person who is not hilarious, they will be once they realize that they can be. Self deprecating humor is great, and fat jokes give belly laughs. 

I have no problems with ignorant bloggers, but more of ones who waffle….mmmmm waffles.

Water Parks

waterslides

I know amusement park rides have already been addressed but I wanted to bring up an offshoot that has not been discussed and that is the water park. Don’t get me wrong many of the big brethren love the water and can often be seen gleefully splashing about like grossly disfigured monstrous dolphins. But when it comes to water parks, especially waterslides, many of us encounter some uncomfortable experiences.

First and foremost there is the swim suit. Often times with a normal pool one can make their way from changing area directly to the pool without much fear of being stared or laughed at, or in some cases screamed at by small children. Once in the pool the refractory properties of the water can often disguise the horrendous shapes lurking below. In a water park however, one must walk about from one spot to another. Men usually try and hide themselves and there man boobs by wearing a t-shirt along with the swim trunks. This however only makes the problems more obvious to everyone and draws even more attention to oneself. Much of the time that could be spent enjoying the aquatic goodness is spent pulling the clinging wet shirt away from the body, which typically makes an intense loud suction noise that is heard by all around. This can also cause a full belly hickey should it occur too often in one day.

Many of the slides and rides do not allow you to wear a t-shirt and the ones that do can often times cause the shirt to pull up and around a persons neck, not only strangling the individual but exposing the blinding white voluminous flesh to all those waiting at the bottom. (if the sun is just right when the gleaming white butterball pops out that once can be blinded for an extended amount of time) The women on the other hand also have to make some hard clothing decisions. The most popular option for a plus size women is the bathing suit with the horribly ugly skirt section attached to the bottom. It is one of the only clothing attachments that is so obviously added on for the sole purpose of hiding a large front and backside. They try to make it sound pleasing by calling it a “swim skirt” but really should take a term on like “fat blinders” or “cottage cheese shields”

Then we come to the rides themselves. Often times the slides require climbing up great amounts of stairs (yes stairs will make an appearance on here…need not worry). I’m not a math wiz but…

Stairs + big + hot + sweaty + wet + gigantic person = Heart Attack!

Once up to the top the greasy beat down big person gasping for air must choose the slide they need to go down. There are usually several options, most of which provide different but equally challenging choices. First there is the slow side. The slow side typically does not have enough water rushing through it to provide enough momentum to get the person to the bottom. When the rotund waterfowl starts they have great momentum and gravity helping them race down the tubes… then… their fatness kicks gravity and momentum in the ass. So much so that almost three quarters of the rest of the decent is spent scooting large amounts of flesh down the slide a bit at a time hoping to get to the bottom before a foot of a small child going full speed is implanted in their back. If someone needs to get a better visual of this… take a pack of chewing gum… chew it up… then try to move it through a 25 foot garden hose…. Good luck with that.

The next option is the twisty slide. This slide will provide enough momentum to get one down but the twists and turns along with the roundness of the individual will send the fatty flaying about topsy turvy in a manner that many big’uns find so frightening that they will see their whole fat lives flash before their little fat eyes. Often this is compounded by the intake of water and the bumping of heads as they are tossed about like a dying fish in bucket. That is unless they get wedged in one of the turns. When this happens the individual is stuck in one of the turns until enough water pressure and additional sliders build up behind them to blast them through like piece of pork fat gristle out a gargantuan’s mouth after being given the Heimlich maneuver.

The third option is the fast slide, as mentioned before though, no T-shirts allowed. Because of this the sweaty greased up fat back will give the rider even more speed. Once at the bottom of the slide the individual has so much momentum that they are plunged so far and so deep into the exit pool that, with the limited lung capacity (you can’t have that much weight on anything and expect it to fully expand) that the amount of time spent underwater can be life threatening. 

One of the last dangers at a water park is only if the big guy decides to go all out with no t-shirt. And that is the consumption of the chocolate ice cream waffle cone. Because when fat people eat they typically spill. The fat man will often end up with ice cream in their chest hair that is difficult to get out. If the man has no chest hair he must also be worried about others in his fat Pod being so over come by the site of more ice cream that they may all jump on the man and start feverishly licking him. This can cause quite a scene and is a great source of embarrassment.

extrawideberth

I’m not sure how to exactly title what I’m getting at here. I do believe I am pioneering this term right where at WFPDL. It came to me one day when I went to check my mail box on the street. I left my front porch making way down my long driveway to the road where my mailbox resides. I get close and take a final deep breath as I was winded from walking the path for a good twenty seconds or so. I go to open the mailbox, take out my mail when I noticed a car is coming down the road. My body is not in the road at all… I am still in my driveway… when all of a sudden the car goes all the way into the opposite lane to pass me. There was no reason for that! That car could have easily continued down the road in the lane without coming close to hitting my rotund shell.

I chalked it up to a one time event… until the next several times I checked the mail. Then I started to notice it when at the grocery store, and the mall, and restrooms. It’s as if by being too close they will catch what I have and pack on the poundage. Perhaps it’s like when you drive and your mirrors say “Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.”

Am I wrong in this? Do I actually require this unnecessarily extra wide berth? Am I taking up more space than I actually realize? Next time you’re around a whale pod watch and see… you’ll ensure they have plenty of space… in case they drop dead on you maybe?

Picnic Tables

Picnic Table

As spring and summer approaches picture if you will a nice Sunny day, a bucket of chicken with a Side o’ Slaw, and a beautiful Park…. A perfect combination…. If it wasn’t for another one of Fat people’s enemies waiting to thwart a eating enjoyment. The Picnic Table. This picnic/park is a necessary evil but with too many design flaws to make it safe for people on the bigger side of things.

First there are the problems that have been addressed in previous posts about sitting apparatuses. There is the closeness of the seat to the table limiting gut to table top ratio. But in this instance there is no back to the seat so that can be overcome with some backwards leaning. The next problem is the process that must be used to get into a sitting position. It should really be an Olympic sport…it’s challenging and great to watch others doing it. One must put one leg in, sit sideways and attempt to swing the other leg over and in, while working past any extra body flab and any one else sitting near by. This is even more difficult when the fatty has cankles.

But both of these things are nothing when compared to the ferocious appetite worked up by walking out to the middle of the park to begin with. Think about it… somehow making it from the deli, KFC, or Popeye’s without devouring the bucket of chicken in the car. That in itself is awesome, but now standing outside of your car holding a tempting bucket of chicken that is emitting the wonderful grease laced smell of pure goodness. You want to just tear up the bucket and call it a day, but you continue to go to the table so you can look as civilized as possible.

Know that the main problem with picnic benches is the seesaw effect created when one a large person sits on a bench with no one on the other side. It is important to remember that one must always picnic in proportionate groups of people. For example… if you are a fatty you must bring another fatty or at least several small people to counter balance the opposite side of the bench. Then great coordination must be used for every one to sit down overcoming the obstacles put forth below plus sit at the same time so as not to flip the table. This same coordination must be used upon getting up from the table. Many times I have forgotten this rule and stood up quickly only to have my comrade across from me end up with a  face full of Soda and a lap full of macaroni salad as the table begins  to flip up and their lives flash in front of them and visions of an  upright picnic table crushing them scares them enough that if it doesn’t actually happen and kill them the eminent heart attack will.

Once I even witnessed the launching of a too small and skinny for their own good person launched into the air as a “tons of fun” sat opposite causing the table to flip sideways and send the skinny Minnie flying. (see diagram below)  Although enjoyable to watch it is not the best event to ensure a successful picnic as much attention is then given to the victim and distracting for the true purpose of gorging oneself on picnicy yummy goodness.

All the readers can help as I am starting a Google map that indicates parks and picnic areas that offer the humongous sturdy and chained down tables that we can all enjoy.

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid=113713308885528860753.000457846546055007d27

fatpicnic

After several months… it’s time to bring it back…. Chris sent in some posts a long time ago… and I was being lazy… like most fat people… and failed to do what needed to be done… So time to get some posts up and let the fat fly free.

All the haters out there… who have actually sent a lot of nasty comments even while we were “out to lunch” … keep bringing your rants… I really enjoy them… even if I don’t allow them to see the light of day. Your ignorance and stupidity fill up my tummy…just like a hoagy.

Dressin’ Fancy

Dressin' Fancy Leads To Sweat

I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, short or tall everyone wants to look good when going to a wedding. Some may think a Lynard Skynard shirt, cut up jeans and a mullet is looking good, but most will probably lean more towards traditional shirt and tie for men and a dress for women. This entry probably affects men more than women, but there is nothing more frustrating than dressing fancy as a big guy.

You’ve seen big guys like myself all dressed up with the tie hitting the top of their belly while dripping from their pits and foreheads with sweat. Maybe wiping their brow with a tiny napkin and getting paper stuck to their forehead. You also may or may not notice the one or two button extenders to get the shirt to fit around their fat neck, or most likely a no neck, which is just a head and a couple chins sitting on shoulders. For a fatty to even get into the dress-wear it is a production unlike any other you have ever seen. Someone should make a documentary on how fat people get dressed up. It would be several hours of gritty action.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are those who dress nice for their career who have probably adapted well and have mastered the entire production of getting ready, whereas people like myself who do not have to dress in a shirt and tie daily seem to have difficulty with dress attire.

It all starts within a week, to a day before the event. The bigger the event the sooner it starts. You first think about the last time you dressed nice in a shirt and tie, you try and pinpoint what your weight was at that time. Most of the time you remember yourself being much fatter than you really where so when you actually get to the point where you try on your clothes they are TIGHT! At this point you may need to make a mad dash to the tent store to have them put something together for you. Once you have successfully attained the attire you hang the clothes up so that you can see them. It is a constant reminder of your ever growing carcass before the big event.

As addressed in previous entries… fat people sweat! They sweat a lot. Most fat people will sweat about 2lbs of salty sour milk sweat while getting dressed. Having to tuck in shirts and maneuver dress shoes takes a lot out of a person. By the time most fat people are dressed and ready to go they are dripping from their pits and forehead like a raging river. The following should help fat people create the least amount of sweat while getting ready.

Step One: A Cold shower. By having a cold shower you are cleaning yourself and cooling yourself down to optimize your body temperature before exertion.

Step Two: A big gigantic fan. A huge fan must be used to maintain a cooler temperature. Before dressing in layers of clothing, you must stand in front of the fan for ten minutes or more. You want to be cold. Polar bears jump in artic waters to keep cool, fat people also need to keep cool.

Step Three: Pace yourself. While standing in front of the fan you may put on your boxers and socks followed by an undershirt. Do this SLOWLY. This task should last at least one to two minutes for each piece of clothing needed. If you put your socks on too quickly you will over exert yourself and become a mess.

Step Four: The shirt and tie. You will want to remember to do this slowly and stay in front of the fan. Button up the shirt and SLOWLY work on the tie. Now if you’re like me and your pants are way under your beer gut you will need to ensure your tie is long and not like Baby Huey’s bib. To do this you may need to use double stick tape to hide the tiny part of the back of the tie behind the front of the tie. After the shirt and tie are secure you now must go back to the fan and expose each armpit to the fan for five minutes each.

Step Five: The pants. This is the part I hate the most. Getting the pants on and tucking the shirt in properly. You may need a tag team partner to help blouse out your shirt.

Step Six: Shoes. Again you may need a tag team partner to tie your shoes. See the following article regarding shoe laces.

Step Seven: Open up the freezer and stick as much of your body in as you can to cool off more. By now the fan is doing no good. You need artic winds to keep your temp down. While in the kitchen grab a kitchen towel for your forehead. A hanky is like a single square of toilet paper after a Taco Bell feeding, don’t even bother with a hanky. Take a kitchen towel with you.

Now that you have successfully dressed yourself (Power clap and a sticker for you!) you have anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes depending on how fat you are until you look disheveled and thirsty. Use this time well to make those good impressions while you can, because once the sweat starts you can’t stop it without starting the entire process over again.

This is probably why you see fat people with outdoor weddings so they can wear shorts, Hawaiian shirts, and keep cool with a Coors Light in their hand. It’s not because of the beautiful setting…but not having sweaty fat people in suits certainly helps to have a beautiful setting.  Maybe it would be best to stay home in sweat pants and eat some pie. Pie is always a good option.

So a few weeks back my wife and I attended a concert in an arena that seats about 17,000 people. We made our way up the stairs to the cheap seats just fine, and proceeded to sit down. Instantly I remembered why I did not go to a lot of concerts. Stadium and arena seating is awful for fat people. New stadiums try to pack in as many seats as they can, therefore the seats are very narrow with large cup holders. The seating cannot be comfortable for anyone larger than a horse jockey. If you are tall, your knees are going to be imbedded into shoulders of the person in front of you, and if you are fat, oh boy lets just hope you can clear the cup holders.My wife and I both found ourselves at the forefront of the row holding our breath in panic, hope, and worry all at the same time. Taking one big gulp of air,  we forced ourselves to take the plunge down the isle, and into the seats that may or may not accept our overly portly bodies. It’s a process to actually maneuver ones fat rolls into the space provided. Picture if you will something like the letter Z. Your rear end starts at the top left of the Z and makes its way down and over as you come in under the left cup holder at an angle. Then immediately you secure your left thigh in position under said cup holder. Then leaning as much as you can still to the left, you drop the rest of yourself down hoping and praying you cleared the right cup holder. Once successful, you may lean a little back to the right shimming your butt back in the seat so that you do not spend the whole concert leaning to the left.  The armrests do not move and your legs are now locked in place underneath the cup holder on one or both sides and now your weight is evenly distributed. Great, now your butt is in the seat, but the upper half of your body is most likely too large for the given area (seeing how you probably only paid for one ticket.) Basically this leaves you a couple of options.
Option #1: Sit with arms over chest, with your elbows in and your stomach as a prop to place your arms up.
Option #2: Put one arm on your belly and the other around the person next to you. If you do not know the person next you this may pose an additional problem and you may reconsider going back to Option #1.
If you know the person next to you Option #2 is good for both people involved as it opens up space for both parties. This option can only last as long as the persons arm does not fall asleep.In this scenario I chose option #2 for most of the night as my arm did fall asleep often. The only comfort I had was having my wife next to me to lessen any uncomfortable stranger touching that no one enjoys.Now that you are uncomfortably comfortable in your seat, you now have anxiety rearing its ugly head as you watch people walk up the stairs.  You are hoping no one fatter than you has a ticket next to you, or that anyone will need to go down your row which will cause you to have to get back out of the seat you somehow managed to get your butter soaked behind into.  Lets just say you hope there are no standing ovations, singing of the national anthem or anything at all that would require you to get out of your seat once your have managed to securely get yourself in place.  It’s amazing with how much “extra effort” fat people have to go through, they are not thinner than they are. Regular sized people can simply sit down and stand up, but for fat people it’s like competing in an Olympic event or a Survivor style reality show. People could sell tickets to watch fatties take on “The Seats”. Will they make it in the seat? Can they get up if people need to get by, or are they too fat for the seat and require special seating?

To be continued in…

Arena Seating Part 2: Special Seating For The Fatter Fatties

 

 

 

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